Apparently Shokufeh had a sales person that day that had at least a half an ounce of intelligence. After an irate call to customer service, I learned what Shokufeh was told at the store. You had to call to cancel the subscription. Trust me, if I knew that little tid bit of information I would have immediately said "no"! I am not good at that kind of thing, truly so bad at remembering little deadlines that D pays all the bills. If I was in charge we would have been homeless years ago. The one and only bill that I do pay is my student loan. Sadly, even with D reminding me, I still forget. So, a magazine deal where I would have to call or get billed, I would kindly decline. Obviously I was never told that little detail. The lady at Motherhood apologized that I was not told this and she would "investigate" the matter. I told her that this whole situation makes them look sleezy. That I was certain in the address form, in font small enough that only could be read by a magnifying glass was this information. That is why they are sleezy. I wish I could also have said (and wished even more that if I did say it it would have made a difference) that I will no longer be shopping at Motherhood. Unfortunately all I could do was call them names. I am a slave to Motherhood due to my inherited gene of height. They are one of the few companies who make maternity pants with an inseam longer than 31" and don't charge a weeks pay for it. Gap makes great long maternity pants but ask you to pay them $60 for an added 2" of clothe it takes. Since I am getting much, much larger and it's getting cold here in good ole' Antarctica, I am desperate for a good pair of pants. Comfy pants that don't cut off circulation to the baby, that kind of comfy.
If any of you are keeping count, I am now officially in my 3rd trimester, 7 months pregnant, 28 weeks along!! I'm getting quite round. Can't even fathom this. In 12 weeks this baby will be here and yet it still has not fully registered. I am going to be one shocked girl in December when they hand me a child to take home with me. My sister says I'm a drama queen. My sister was also given the good fortune of having innocent pregnancies so she knows no better. She doesn't know how it feels to loose something like this therefore she will never know how it feels to not have the luxury of being naive, sadly like many in my life who think I'm being dramatic. But every woman I speak with who have either dealt with a lose or infertility know exactly how I feel. Even women who have no clue that I even exist know how I feel. I love reading Zoot's site because she too can't grasp the concept that she indeed will be giving birth to her daughter soon. She, along with Amalah has made me feel pretty normal. I can't tell you how many times I have read their sites when they write about there feelings on their pregnancies and have walked away feeling like I am not just being dramatic. I could never explain it to you unless you've been there. It's like a tug-a-war in a sense. There is one side of your brain that is so very very excited. It allows you to plan things in your mind how it will be to have this child with you. You might even realize during your day dreaming that there is an item in your day dream that you don't have so you hop over to eBay to bid on it. And that is when the other half of your brain switches on. You then think that maybe you should just hold off another week or so just incase. I still haven't made an appointment for my hospital tour which means I still haven't decided on which hospital I will be delivering at because if I decide that means that everything will be okay and if I accept that everything is okay that means I might jinx it. My doctor doesn't like this logic. He's giving me until my next ultrasound before he allows his staff to give me a hard time. They will have to be the ones to register me last minute see. And yes, you read that right; I get another ultrasound on October 13 to try again to view the spine. The doctor said it was up to me if I wanted to go through it again. Should that even be stated in a question? It helps ward off paranoia for a good while.
But today? Well, having a bad "feeling confident" day. She hasn't moved as much as I like for her to. It makes me horribly nervous. I rub my belly, shake my belly, drank tons of water, ate sugary food...yet she still refuses to amuse me.
Do you think I'll be one of those mothers who wake their sleeping baby in the middle of the night just to make sure she is okay? When will it end?
Today while watching D watch Penn State almost loose (in their defense, 4th quarter they won by the skin of their teeth with only 50 seconds remaining) I decided it would be wise to see if I had any money left in my checking account. I had an eBaying urge and since I totally suck at keeping my checkbook straight, I worship the bank goddess who invented online banking. I was very glad to see that there was money there and I proceeded to look through what had cleared the account already. That's when I came across this intrusive charge that I know for a fact I did not make. I know I didn't make it because, as liberal as I might be, I will never subscribe to Parenting Magazine. The moment those idiots suggested the whole have a tantrum with your child concept I realized how off their rocker they were. Anyway, there sat a $20 charge from Parenting Magazine.
Let's do a quick flashback here: 3 or 4 months ago I bought something at Motherhood Maternity using my debit card (which my father say only an idiot uses, thanks Dad, I am that idiot!). There was this offer for 3 free issues of Parenting for the more liberal than me Magazine. Of course I accepted it, it was free, duh! All I ever provided to them was my mailing address. Well, all I ever gave them permission to pass on to another company was my mailing address.
When I called Parenting Magazine today and told them that they took money out of my account without my permission, they said that Motherhood provides them with all this information. They kindly refunded my money and per my dad (who seriously, no joke here, knows everything) was kind of them and makes them not the bad guy here. The guy who is terrible and nasty is Motherhood which absolutely sucks because I L.O.V.E. their clothes and their prices. But now? How am I supposed to love them when they have gone and soiled our friendship by selling my bank account information to another company? It's sorta like when your in Junior High and your best friend tells everyone that you kissed Eric Rhea. It's that kind of betrayal.
My Dad is in the process of typing a nasty gram for me to them. He's got a way with this kind of stuff, let's just say he's the man to go to when big business screws the little guy. Let's hope Motherhood begs for my forgiveness or I'll be forced to tell the principal on them (a.k.a. Better Business Bureau).
I was over reading Suburbanbliss today and wanted so badly to comment to Melissa's situation. Right now she is really dealing with the extra weight she is carrying. She's feeling very down and frustrated about the whole thing, a feeling I think every woman out there can appreciate...we've all been there and some of you are dealing with it right now. I didn't comment though, for many reasons but the most obvious reason being that my personal diet plan is not recommended by doctors or mothers alike. How do I sit there and say that I too have dealt with weight issues for my entire life and my way to fix it is to "cut back" on what I eat? No, I don't starve myself by any means but definitely don't eat 3 square meals a day. I have this diet plan of sorts that doesn't require to much eating, let's just say that. I do dinner, that is a guarantee each and everyday. But that eating meals thing in between is what I usually don't participate in.
I've had this issue with food for as far back as I can remember. Food and eating has always been my enemy. When I was only 6 years old I would come home from school and hide the lunch my mom had packed for me that morning. And, I most likely hadn't eaten breakfast that morning either. Years later the evil school did not like this eating habit of mine so they would sit me with the teachers during lunch time with them forcing me to eat. I learned very early on, obviously that no one could force me. They would spank me, but they still couldn't force me. During my teenage years this whole issue turned more into a self image issue rather than a control issue. I had always been the skinniest person in my family. When puberty hit it terrified me, I couldn't loose my title. Growing up I always believed that my parents divorced because my mom gained weight and my dad no longer loved her. This lie was reiterated to me each time my dad would inquire about her weight on our long drives home after a monthly weekend visit. I am sure this was not his intention, but after hearing him so obsessed with her gaining weight, you can understand how as a little girl I grew to believe this as lie as truth. I used lay awake at night terrified that if I gained weight I would never get married or if I did marry and gain weight my husband would leave me.
This pregnancy has forced me to eat. That has been very difficult emotionally for me to handle. I always knew that when I got pregnant I would have to just plow on through those feelings for the sake of my baby, and that I have done so far. I eat breakfast every morning, although it might not be everyone else's interpretation of breakfast, for me it's more than usual. I make sure I don't skip meals. Three a day and plenty of water. While women all around me tell me to give into every craving, they totally don't understand that that is something that would be detrimental to my emotional well being. In a way, that is the only form of control I have over this whole weight gain. I can control not giving in. I can pat myself on the back each time I deny myself "bad" food since I can no longer really deny myself food. I think about how I will look come January and the thought terrifies me. I started to go to Prenatal workout class to help ease the blow a little. I absolutely hate exercising, but since I can't deny my baby food, somehow the will to exercise for once in my life is very strong. The fear of how I will look afterwards plays over so much in my head that I have this secret hope that breast-feeding doesn't work because then I can go back to my old diet. It doesn't matter how many people tell me how it helps women loose the weight, that argument is pointless with me because I know what has worked for the past 29 years. But I know that can't not breastfeed for that reason. Denying my baby that opportunity for my selfish gain, that is just actively stupid.
So, there is nothing positive I can really say to Melissa except that I know how much it sucks to feel that way. I have no answer, just sympathy because I know exactly how she feels.
Little itty bitty feet: notice little foot on the top right corner. Her footer is pointed down with her heel pressing upwards right smack dab in the middle of the picture. See it?
People, I'm getting annoyed. I'm feeling slightly frustrated with the family unit that I call my own. Maybe it's the hormones that are just beginning to kick my butt...which would totally suck because I've worked very hard at NOT being the stereotypical pregnant female that people tell stories about. I want to be able to get through this pregnancy with D saying how it wasn't as bad as he fully expected it to be. Sure, I'm a bit more whinny, but wouldn't you prefer whinny to moody? I mean, I whine, you just give me what a want and then I'm off. Moody? Headbiting and name calling, and so not as easy to handle as whining.
But, I am getting a little fed up with all the damn arrows being thrown in my direction. I could handle this by listing each incident, one by one for all you to see. That would be a lot of fun for me and I would feel validated. I mean, they do deserve it for their own self made stupidity. Or, I can try another approach that seems to work with persons within D and my family...the art of pure pure denial and, hold your seats for this one...by focusing on the things that make me happy. I'm always up for change, so rather than sit here and gear this post with my true frustrated feelings, I'll rather share with you the better things going on my life that are making me happy happy happy!
D started a new job. Did I tell you that? Well, he did. I can't even remember when, maybe it's been 4 weeks? But, the point is he is happy there. Even happier on payday. Although, payday hasn't been as joyous as we expected due to the simple fact that his past employer has "forgotten" to pay him for his last week and a half of work. That was nice of them. His new job is great for him and he is enjoying the new pace, the not having to sit at a desk all day pressing the same button kind of pace. I've gotta be honest internet, I was a little worried because it seems as if he isn't doing that much engineering (whatever that means), but apparently this makes D happy because it's different. So, worry no more for me, if he's happy, I'm happy....sorta, not every time.
Strangely, and please note how I am a little surprised that I am even admitting this, I am kinda happy that Football season has started back up again. I don't know why, but it makes me feel all warm and cozy. Granted, I fully expect the Redskins to suck yet again this year, but it's all this D.C. native has got left.
My weight gain has not been astronomical but baby's has. Where I've only gained 13 lbs. at 26 weeks, baby gained 2lbs. 2oz. I am very proud of her. See that pic there? It's all belly and no butt gain. I've done so well that as we speak I am wearing a non maternity pair of running shorts. Let's just hope come 35 weeks I'm as chipper because Christmas cookies are my absolute weakness.
Tomorrow I'll be having my 4-D ultrasound...that makes me very, very happy. Of course the shelling of $100 for it might damper my spirits some, but the thought of being able to see my sweet itty bitty is enough to melt away any frustration that any family member throws my way because in the end, I'm gonna be a Momma and my baby will kick your butt!
Ahh, yes, dear friends, I've stooped to the level of denial. The things pregnancy will do to you!
Four years ago today, I received a call from my sister informing me that she was ripping out her I.V.'s and leaving the hospital. She couldn't find her husband as he had been away for 4 hours now donating blood to help the September 11th victims. I begged, I pleaded but in her normal nursing ability she explained to me how long she could go with her water broken. Thankfully, my brother in law returned and removed the phone from her ear and her hands from the needles before any I.V. was taken out. Hours later our little Foo was birthed and welcomed to this cruel world....3 days after the tragedy of September 11th and 24 hours after her daddy lost his job. She came, and I couldn't be there as soon as I wanted. No flights and no one was about to fly. Life would not be the same without our little Foo. Olivia wouldn't be a big sister and Jake wouldn't have a sister he didn't want to ship away.
My baby Foo, I love you as if you were my own and can only pray that I can be here for you as long as you'll let me be. I love how you draw pictures of Camille and give her itty bitty feet. I love how when we get off the phone you always forget to say "I love you" until you've handed the phone to Olivia only to grab it back and yell "Love you Emme". I love how you love me so innocently.
You all can thank Maryonce again because she has saved you tonight from another entry chuck full of indigestion complaints and my take on Maalox and how I pretend I'm back in college again taking shots. If I could do some Absolute I should be able able to handle some strawberry flavored Maalox, right? But, tonight isn't about that, tomorrow, well, that's another story. And....I seriously have been on the phone for the past 4 hours people playing catch up to all the patient individuals who have left messages in the past month. Keep in mind I'm only up to last week, so, if you've left a message after that I'm getting to you. But, like I said, Mary has saved you tonight, but I don't think she'll have the special powers to save you tomorrow as I sit in boredom at work.
Ten years ago: I had just graduated from high school that summer and had started my freshman year at college which, I met a boy who was 21. First boy I met who was 21 so I sorta blew that first semester!
Five years ago: I had just graduated from college! Yep, that 21 year old boy didn't lead me to the road of demise. I had just received a degree in Psychology from Geneva College and was ready to take on the world. At this exact month 5 years ago I realized that D was NOT going to have the courage to move this relationship forward and I realized that I loved him to much for it to stay the way it was. A month later I would decide to have one of the most important conversations of my life. A month after that conversation I was engaged to D....something I had written about in my journal 8 years earlier.
One year ago: I was working at the place of my current mental demise and found out that my Dad had Mantle Cell Lymphoma. 2 weeks following that blow, we found out that my mom had Endometrial (Uterine) Cancer. Last Fall sucked, I'm thinking this Fall will be much better as I am pregnant with my first baby, my Dad is fighting his cancer and my Mom beat her cancer!
Five snacks: Good Cheese and Salami (just like my Dad), Chewy Candies, avocado, Tomato with Mayo....keep in mind, this is coming from the cravings of a pregnant woman.
Five songs I know all the words to: "Power of Two" by the Indigo Girls, "The Wood Song" by the Indigo Girls.....how ironic, Mary and I both know the words to these songs! She rocks! "Not an Addict" by K's Choice, "Thank You" and "UR" by Alanis Morissette.
Five things I would do with $100 million: 1 - Buy my Mom hearing aids 2 - Position my mom so she is in financially stable life where she never has to worry about ends meet again 3 - Buy D a Porsche 4 - Pay off all debt 5 - Invest the money wisely so D and I could enjoy life with no worries of money ever!
Five places to run away to: 1 - My Mom's in D.C. 2 - My Dad's in Florida every February 3 - Target 4 - Thrift Store 5 - My car with some good C.D.'s
Five things I would never wear: 1 - Trendy designer name brands (a.k.a. Armani) 2 - Denim on Denim together 3 - Ankle biter jeans 4 - High Water pants 5 - Lace, fruffy tops
Five favorite TV shows: Sex and the City, Amazing Race, Veronica Mars, Real World, Desperate Housewives
Five biggest joys: the birth of each niece and nephew, first time Miss Priss kicked me, the moment my Mom came out of surgery....cancer free, each positive pregnancy test, my first year of marriage...every morning when I would wake up and realize that we no longer had to do the long distance!
Favorite toys: My laptop, digital Camera, my cat, D...yeah, well, he's fun to pick on, my car
Five people to pass this on to: again, only know 2 other people w/ sites who actually take the time to read my wee-one!
Steph...you know, pregnancy, working full-time, we gotta have something to keep us awake! Jenn...let's see if she ever reads my site!
Today marks another milestone in this pregnancy. I have turned 25 weeks. Which to those of you who know milestones; this is the week where the itty bitty's can start to be saved if born. I've set these milestones in my pregnancy from the beginning with the first being the 12 week mark. At that time 25 weeks seemed so far off, I never thought September would come, it was like a distant galaxy that is unreachable. But, we've reached it, we've come far. I never thought I would be sitting here feeling the kicks of little feet as I look down at this newly formed, perfectly shaped ball like stomach. I remember feeling that I didn't want to sit through this pregnancy petrified and then when the 40th week hit, regret that I hadn't enjoyed it. But, I think it's just one of those things that happen, like my friend always say, you'll never have an innocent pregnancy and that is okay because your sense of naive ness gets washed away. It's just inevitable. She should know, she lost a child after 29 weeks of pregnancy. Which that plays in my mind to. They say 25 weeks is when they can save the baby, but Garrett didn't make it so that just blows that theory out of the water for me. My next goal is 30 weeks, only 5 weeks away, not to long to wait. But then I know someone else who lost her baby at 38 weeks. See the pattern? The milestone just keeps moving based on the experiences of others. I know how easy it is for all of you to say that I shouldn't think that way. But before you are able to comment, you have to ask yourself if you've experienced that type of loss before. If you haven't? You won't understand these feelings. You have still been granted the privileged of being naive. No matter how much I try to reason with these emotions, they won't budge. It is the reality of the situation. You just want to get to a point where you breathe and feel safe for this child. My doctor says that won't happen until she is here. Sadly that is true. I have lowered my expectations. I no longer put the stress on myself to be perfectly blissful as other mothers to be feel. That is just not a reality for me. It is okay to be fearful. Now I just want to have some joy mixed in between those fears and have some feelings of attachment hidden beneath. That is something I have been trying to be able to accomplish. I am slowly able to do things most pregnant women have probably already done by now. But, there are still things I have not been able to do. I have not made a baby registry. I might not ever because that is to scary. I have not bought diapers and don't plan on doing so until December although many tell me to do it now. I still have not let my sister buy the stroller nor am I completely comfortable having my father purchase an airline ticket to come in December. These things I fear doing because of the what if's and if the what if's happen it will be harder to undo. To overcome those fears, I know I need to do these things. One by one. But when these fears overcome me, when I act like a junkie and just need to feel her kick, just one more time to be okay, I think of how great it will when she is here. Not if she is here, when she is here. Then I really panic!
Last Thursday we went and got another ultrasound. And along with that we got the most incredible shot of her sweet little face.
Of course the minute after the technician froze the frame, Camille moved into her position, the one that doesn't allow them to measure her spine, which was the whole reason we were back again. She kicked though, flung her hands around as if to tell us to go away. Which we did. Until next Thursday. They want to try to again which is perfectly fine with me, I like being able to see her, it makes me feel reassured because for atleast that moment I know she is safe and sound and I don't have to feel fearful of loosing her.
Alright, I have tried not to post this basically because every Bush loving Republican is going to have my neck, but that is okay because in my defense: I've never bashed our President. I'm the type of person who, even if I don't like the person who is in the White House, has always tried to be respectful of their position. Also, I'm not a republican or a democrat. D says I'm just undecided. That is not true, I, like my father, just don't believe that if you are really a thinking person, you won't be a hard core anything when it comes to politics. I don't vote based the big social issues, I vote based on my check book. Plain and simple. I expect stupidity in the White House regardless of which political party controls it. But this, this is just ridiculous.
As I sit here and watch this nightmare, I am just sickened by our Federal Governments horrible response to these innocent peoples need. I was just amazed as our President thanked the Governors of Texas and Michigan for there leadership role. I am sure the governors of those States probably just shook their heads in disgust. Of course they had to step in and help, they couldn't just sit and watch the relief efforts go undone. I've listened to these stupid politicians for the past several days and all I've heard is a bunch of political nonsense and I can't beg the question, as many like Elijah E. Cummings (Chair of the Congressional Black Caucus) have today, if these people in New Orleans had been upper class white "refugees" would aid really had been halted for 5 days? I can't help but believe that the answer to that question is a quick and solid "No". And the "refugee" term being used, that just ignites even more venom inside of me. These people aren't refugee's, they are American citizens, tax paying citizens whose government has let them down tremendously. I could go on and on with my frustration, but I'm not sure it's needed. Many others are doing it for me. And, many others will show their frustration at the polls when that time comes again.
People, I'm sickened. I hurt for each and every American in New Orleans whose government has not come through like it should have. For each of those individuals who are surrounded by sewage, who are begging for water and shelter....my heart goes out to each one of them. I don't think any politician could have said it better today than the mayor of New Orleans, C. Ray Nagin:
"Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming in, their not here, it's to doggone late. Get off your ass and lets do something, and let's fix the biggest **** crisis in the history of this country".
As the saying goes "If you aren't furious, you're not paying attention"
As you can tell, there are weeks where I have so much to say and I can do a post every other day. Then, there are weeks where it looks as if I am clear out of insight and can not write but just post pictures to take up space. Those weeks? Well, it has nothing to do with not having anything write, heck, I could write each and everyday. The reason I choose not to is simply based on that little phrase we all heard growing up "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". Now, it's not as if what I have to say isn't "nice", it's definitely not mean spirited. Typically it's more of an issue of stepping on delicate toes. I have these rants with myself, these conversations that daily go on in my head and I know that if I journal it the rants will be reconciled. I will take the time to write it, like I am doing now but the moment I am about to post, the dilemma enters my mind of who is reading this site and how personal will they take it, even if it has nothing to do with them. I sometimes feel frustrated because it can feel like I can't always be me. I want to be able to post my thoughts, whether well accepted or not and feel safe that my friends and families won't go on a rampage. I'm not quite sure how to remedy this. Do I write regardless of how others will perceive it or do I write ensuring that toes won't be stepped on. Granted, every post is not heavy with the type of thoughts that would bring such a response. Maybe they aren't because I have guarded myself. And, it's not always the case that week. But this week? Blame it on the hormones, lack of sleep, whatever you want, but it's one of those times that I wish I could just write with no worries. I don't think is has helped me reach a conclusion, but at least it gives the excuse of my lack of post this week.
