Thursday, September 22, 2005

Unattractive Truth

I was over reading Suburbanbliss today and wanted so badly to comment to Melissa's situation. Right now she is really dealing with the extra weight she is carrying. She's feeling very down and frustrated about the whole thing, a feeling I think every woman out there can appreciate...we've all been there and some of you are dealing with it right now. I didn't comment though, for many reasons but the most obvious reason being that my personal diet plan is not recommended by doctors or mothers alike. How do I sit there and say that I too have dealt with weight issues for my entire life and my way to fix it is to "cut back" on what I eat? No, I don't starve myself by any means but definitely don't eat 3 square meals a day. I have this diet plan of sorts that doesn't require to much eating, let's just say that. I do dinner, that is a guarantee each and everyday. But that eating meals thing in between is what I usually don't participate in.

I've had this issue with food for as far back as I can remember. Food and eating has always been my enemy. When I was only 6 years old I would come home from school and hide the lunch my mom had packed for me that morning. And, I most likely hadn't eaten breakfast that morning either. Years later the evil school did not like this eating habit of mine so they would sit me with the teachers during lunch time with them forcing me to eat. I learned very early on, obviously that no one could force me. They would spank me, but they still couldn't force me. During my teenage years this whole issue turned more into a self image issue rather than a control issue. I had always been the skinniest person in my family. When puberty hit it terrified me, I couldn't loose my title. Growing up I always believed that my parents divorced because my mom gained weight and my dad no longer loved her. This lie was reiterated to me each time my dad would inquire about her weight on our long drives home after a monthly weekend visit. I am sure this was not his intention, but after hearing him so obsessed with her gaining weight, you can understand how as a little girl I grew to believe this as lie as truth. I used lay awake at night terrified that if I gained weight I would never get married or if I did marry and gain weight my husband would leave me.

This pregnancy has forced me to eat. That has been very difficult emotionally for me to handle. I always knew that when I got pregnant I would have to just plow on through those feelings for the sake of my baby, and that I have done so far. I eat breakfast every morning, although it might not be everyone else's interpretation of breakfast, for me it's more than usual. I make sure I don't skip meals. Three a day and plenty of water. While women all around me tell me to give into every craving, they totally don't understand that that is something that would be detrimental to my emotional well being. In a way, that is the only form of control I have over this whole weight gain. I can control not giving in. I can pat myself on the back each time I deny myself "bad" food since I can no longer really deny myself food. I think about how I will look come January and the thought terrifies me. I started to go to Prenatal workout class to help ease the blow a little. I absolutely hate exercising, but since I can't deny my baby food, somehow the will to exercise for once in my life is very strong. The fear of how I will look afterwards plays over so much in my head that I have this secret hope that breast-feeding doesn't work because then I can go back to my old diet. It doesn't matter how many people tell me how it helps women loose the weight, that argument is pointless with me because I know what has worked for the past 29 years. But I know that can't not breastfeed for that reason. Denying my baby that opportunity for my selfish gain, that is just actively stupid.

So, there is nothing positive I can really say to Melissa except that I know how much it sucks to feel that way. I have no answer, just sympathy because I know exactly how she feels.

No comments:

Blog Archive