Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Getting there

Today marks another milestone in this pregnancy. I have turned 25 weeks. Which to those of you who know milestones; this is the week where the itty bitty's can start to be saved if born. I've set these milestones in my pregnancy from the beginning with the first being the 12 week mark. At that time 25 weeks seemed so far off, I never thought September would come, it was like a distant galaxy that is unreachable. But, we've reached it, we've come far. I never thought I would be sitting here feeling the kicks of little feet as I look down at this newly formed, perfectly shaped ball like stomach. I remember feeling that I didn't want to sit through this pregnancy petrified and then when the 40th week hit, regret that I hadn't enjoyed it. But, I think it's just one of those things that happen, like my friend always say, you'll never have an innocent pregnancy and that is okay because your sense of naive ness gets washed away. It's just inevitable. She should know, she lost a child after 29 weeks of pregnancy. Which that plays in my mind to. They say 25 weeks is when they can save the baby, but Garrett didn't make it so that just blows that theory out of the water for me. My next goal is 30 weeks, only 5 weeks away, not to long to wait. But then I know someone else who lost her baby at 38 weeks. See the pattern? The milestone just keeps moving based on the experiences of others. I know how easy it is for all of you to say that I shouldn't think that way. But before you are able to comment, you have to ask yourself if you've experienced that type of loss before. If you haven't? You won't understand these feelings. You have still been granted the privileged of being naive. No matter how much I try to reason with these emotions, they won't budge. It is the reality of the situation. You just want to get to a point where you breathe and feel safe for this child. My doctor says that won't happen until she is here. Sadly that is true. I have lowered my expectations. I no longer put the stress on myself to be perfectly blissful as other mothers to be feel. That is just not a reality for me. It is okay to be fearful. Now I just want to have some joy mixed in between those fears and have some feelings of attachment hidden beneath. That is something I have been trying to be able to accomplish. I am slowly able to do things most pregnant women have probably already done by now. But, there are still things I have not been able to do. I have not made a baby registry. I might not ever because that is to scary. I have not bought diapers and don't plan on doing so until December although many tell me to do it now. I still have not let my sister buy the stroller nor am I completely comfortable having my father purchase an airline ticket to come in December. These things I fear doing because of the what if's and if the what if's happen it will be harder to undo. To overcome those fears, I know I need to do these things. One by one. But when these fears overcome me, when I act like a junkie and just need to feel her kick, just one more time to be okay, I think of how great it will when she is here. Not if she is here, when she is here. Then I really panic!

Last Thursday we went and got another ultrasound. And along with that we got the most incredible shot of her sweet little face.

Of course the minute after the technician froze the frame, Camille moved into her position, the one that doesn't allow them to measure her spine, which was the whole reason we were back again. She kicked though, flung her hands around as if to tell us to go away. Which we did. Until next Thursday. They want to try to again which is perfectly fine with me, I like being able to see her, it makes me feel reassured because for atleast that moment I know she is safe and sound and I don't have to feel fearful of loosing her.

No comments:

Blog Archive