As you can see, Derek is a big hit with his nieces!
Sister & Best Friends, Jenn and Em (we were missing our 3rd partner in crime!)
The perfect picture for the picture ending
Priceless
I know I promised pictures throughout my vacation, yeah, I even used the word "lots". Granted I didn't post them everyday, but I did create a new albumwith over 60 pics from our trip, does that count? After much praying to the Sun gods, the clouds finally parted and we were able to squeeze in a beach day on Friday and a full day out on the boat today. All in all, it's been a great vacation...it's been what I've made it. I could have sat in a corner and complained, but as I said before, in the usual ***** fashion, I took out my bag a sugar and went to town. Of course tomorrow will pose an interesting day with all the snow up north. Luckily we'll get clobbered and have a layover in Baltimore so I can go home and see my mom and my cat...now that would be the perfect ending to the perfect vacation!
Don't you hate it when you have these enormous expectation of how an event should go in your life? Be it a wedding, a party, or in my case a vacation. Really, this only happens in the movies...family down on their luck go on a vacation, a warm sunny vacation only to get there and be welcomed with rain for the entire span of the time they are there? Movies. It's only supposed to happen in movies. Just like Cancer. Only people in the movies get Cancer. That's it. No more movies. They force me to set to high expectations in my life and I start to believe that those things, those ironic, frustrating events only can be put together in Hollywood.
As I have done so many times in my 29 years of life, I must make the best of a disappointing situation. I am forcing myself to look at the silver lining. Derek and I had a great flight down. This is the first Derek and Emily vacation that we have ever been on. We never got a honeymoon. We have never got a tropical vacation. The vacation just started out great. As I stood in line at the airport, waiting to board the plane....a process that I typically do by myself, mind you, it was a relaxing feeling to be able to look over and see my sweet husband, right there in line with me. I squeezed his arm and just knew this was going to be the best vacation ever. I was with my best friend. We weren't flying standby but had sure seats that we didn't have to hold our breath for. It was going to be great. We boarded our flight with only 45 other people. We held hands, took a nap. I got to have my own personal foot rest. It was great. We finally got into Ft. Lauderdale and met my father at the airport. Gave him the biggest hug I could possibly give a man who has just put his body through hell. And again, thought, this is going to be the best vacation ever. We got into Cape Coral in under two hours. Perfect. Getting to the house a half hour before expected. Jenn and Tom waited up for us and welcomed us with hugs and laughs and great midnight chatter. Pure Bliss.
But now I sit here at almost midnight shivering. Shivering in Florida. This is not good. I've been shivering all day. See, that's what happens when you go to the beach and it rains all over you. I must assume that the sun just doesn't like me. We all know that the sun refuses to shine in the Frozen Tundra. But to also taunt me on my vacation? Now this is just cruel. And yes, before you point it out, I do realize that I said in my last post that I don't care if it rains or pours..I lied. I am so frustrated I can honestly say that I think I could cry. Me cry. The girl who was born with absolutely no tear ducts. All rain. No sun. All rain for my entire vacation. This totally sucks. So, I am pulling out bags and bags of sugar hoping to sweeten up these bitter lemons and salvage some lemonade.
Now, I promise this post is not going to be just a another venting fest, but, I just gotta point out the obvious. I work with a bunch of idiots...truely the most superficial group of idiots. And well yes, by saying that I am sure I sound extremely anti-social and narccistic. I guess I am. They are right about their accurate diagnosis. But did they ever stop to think that just maybe they bring out the worst in people? And let me just pose some rhetorical questions in the form of a rhetorical letter:
Dear Stupid Social Worker**,
I ask, why do you think that because you have a special piece of paper that basically an upgrade from coach to first class that your pedestal is shinier than all others? Yes, I do realize that you paid extra money for that but really, it doesn't mean that you are smarter than anyone else, it just means you had extra money to go the extra mile. And, really, any piece of paper, big or small, just says that you know how to think. That's it. But, if it means that you do know everything does that mean that I need to go get that special bigger piece of paper to become a mommy? Just wondering because the way you enjoy passively degrading others with smaller pieces of paper makes me think that only people with a special bigger piece of paper are the only ones capable of solving lifes problems! Get off your high horse deary..the person ringing you up at Wal-Mart just might have a higher IQ than you but just didn't have enough money to get that special piece of paper!
The End.
Ahh...that feels much much better.
It's amazing what happens when you just unload stuff sometimes. Okay, but, it's all going to be just fine now. See, I leave tomorrow. I get to walk out of that roach infested reality of mine for sunnier pastures. I am packed and all ready to go. Now I just need a pilot with another special piece of paper (who does deserve a pedestal) to get me to my Oasis. I really don't care if it rains and pours because I will be out of Antarctica and enjoying life with my best friend. And don't you worry my patient viewing audience, there will be pictures. A lot of freakin pictures. And I will post at least one pretty one a day. And that is a promise that even a person with a smaller piece of paper can make!
**it should automatically be assumed that during my daily slander of my employment/co-workers that there is one that is exempt from this classification. You know who you are and you better had left me some sun in Florida!
It's been so hard to write this past week. Not as if I have not had anything to write about, but, with just one topic dominating my mind I have found myself unable to really express it in a way in which any of you will be able to follow this absorb train of thought. I also think it is difficult because once again I walk the fine line of what is appropriate and what is not. How much of myself should be posted for others to see. Typically, if it just concerns myself, I don't argue about it. But when it concerns others, specifically my husband...I am forced to sit back and decide which route to take. As usual though, I don't ere on the side of caution and just write about it anyway!
Trying to get pregnant is a very interesting venture. I know when I (cover your eyes you squeamish people and those related to me by blood or marriage) ovulate. Therefore I know the exact days that I could conceive. And I know that one those days if all went correctly I just very well might have. (Get the point?) So now you sorta sit back and wait. And while you wait the strangest things go through your head. One recurring thought is that of complete panic. They sorta go something like this:
"Um, can I take that back?"
Or
"What the heck did I just do, what were we thinking"
So, you panic one second and realize that maybe it didn't work. That maybe trying *numerous* days in row just didn't work. Phew! Relief! You read the stats of how many people don't get pregnant the first go around and you think that maybe that is you in this case. But then, just as you think that and a ping of relief washes over you, in that same exact moment as you sigh that ping of relief a feeling of sadness just comes right in behind it because you remember that you do want to be a mommy. How disappointed you will feel if the test does come back negative but how happy I will feel to see it come back positive. How great it will feel to have a little life inside of me. Then, as I am feeling happy, can you even guess what emotion just sneaks itself right up for bat? Fear. Not fear of becoming a parent. No, no..more selfish fears! Fear for my figure. Fear of disliking my body even more than I already do. See, my body and I have a great thing going on here. I promise to not look at it with out clothes on, and it, in return, promises to look nice when hidden under clothes. Now I start thinking about never fitting into my Gap Long and Lean jeans! How expensive it will be to have to buy all new jeans in an all new bigger size because we all know how Italian girls hips spread after pregnancy. And then, I think of all my pretty Victoria Secrets and how I might not ever be able to wear them again because we all know that, um, *they* change too and then the panic feeling seeps right back in because of all the parts of my figure *they* always seemed to be the part that never frustrated me. And then it brings me right back to the beginning.
Panic, Sadness, Happiness, Fear.
These are the four basic emotions that I have been feeling for the past 5 days. Therefore, you will have to excuse me if my post are not that interesting because there is only so much one can say about this fun merry-go-round that I am on. There is only so much interest I can bring to this fascinating topic. I won't know until next week. I won't give you the exact day because that would just be to creepy. I need just a hint of privacy here although you do know that whether or not I am will be posted for all to see. Hey, I'll need your support either way!
Valentine's day for me has always been special. Having a birthday on this day of "love" has never been depressing for me. I can remember my birthday always being so special to my mom and her sentiment came across clear to me. When I got engaged, being the Momma's girl that I am, I doubted that my birthday would feel the same once I got married. My first birthday with D we were 8 hours apart. Though he sent candles and flowers, I stilled leaned on my Mom for a special day. The second year of our engagement didn't change too much from the first. Now, by our third year of being together I had finally unnerved myself and we were married. I was now living in New York and had, at this time, no contact with my mom. The day leading up to my birthday I became a little disappointed thinking it will never be as special as my mom had always made it. I was right, it wasn't the same, nor as special as my mom's way of celebrating. Instead it was D's way of celebrating and became his way of making it special. Unbeknownst to him, that year began my new birthday tradition and this year we celebrated our new way for the third time. D sneaks out bed before I awake, goes and buys a dozen red roses and 2 lattes, different flavors from Starbucks. He then quietly places the Roses next to my pillow so when I wake up I wake up to beautiful Roses. He then spoils me with all my birthday presents in bed and we drink our lattes. The day was perfect. As he always makes it, perfect in his way. We spent the day together, saw a movie and laughed together. What could be better?
As I look back on my 28th year of experiences, I can't help but notice a recurring theme throughout those 12 months. In different parts of my life, with different relationships I have had I was able to bring myself to a point of reconciliation. Relationships that needed to end, I was able to end with grace and dignity. Relationships that had been torn by bad mistakes, were able to be mended with sincere regret and apologies. Relationships that I thought could never get better became so much more than better. These relationships that got fixed also ended up fixing me. These bad mistakes that always lingered and brought vengeance to my heart to the individual involved, has become a very unexpected friendship. And through that unexpected friendship has blossomed a healing that we so desperately needed. And my relationship that I thought couldn't get better has allowed me to see sides of my Dad that I never allowed myself to see. For years I struggled with this relationship, for years I carried this badge of blame that I would present to him whenever anything ever went wrong in my life. I also carried a badge of anger and jealously for those things he had that I never did. I lived in assumption to define why these things had occurred. I obviously wasn't loved. I obviously was nothing but a mere nuisance. But back in August, one of the most amazing things happened. That heavy load I had carried for years was lifted off me. That conversation that I played over and over in my head became reality. And from that conversation sprung forth this amazing relationship. The kind of relationship that was meant to be shared between father and daughter. All those badges I wore that represented this relationship just no longer fit. The anger, jealously and blame was quickly replaced with forgiveness, peace and appreciation. And I was obviously loved, very loved. And I obviously was not a nuisance, but a cherished daughter. If one had asked me 5 years ago what kind of relationship I realistically saw for us in the future, the answer would have been grim. But now, as I sit here and reflect on this drastic change, I can't help but feel like the last 28 years had always been like these past 8 months. I see my father now as a wise person, someone I emulate. So, on my birthday, as I was still reveling in the off the cuff comment from my director, how relieving it was to have my dad be the one to encourage me. For him to be the one, really the only one who read that post and just knew, instantly the wisdom that I needed to hear. What was more awesome was that I was finally at that point in my life when it is his wisdom that I absorb. And, and that day, the day that I was my Momma's girl, I finally felt like a Daddy's Girl.
There really isn't any better feeling in the world than having the Mailman make a special stop at your apartment with boxes of presents for you. And by boxes, I mean 5 beautifully packaged gifts all for you. And then, the cherry on top is added when you go to the mailbox and find, not 1, but 2 birthday cards just waiting for you. Ah..I am feeling the love. The girl with anti-social disorder is feeling the love. How on earth could I care that the petty people I work with think such things about me when I get to open card after card, gift after gift. It's a in your face stupid director, people do love me, they really really love me so it's quite obvious that I don't have a personality disorder. Even more so, the girl who dislikes everyone as accused, enjoyed a night out over at her friends house meeting her friends sister and chatting for 3 hours. Take that anti-social disorder, ha!
Now, D is a little shocked that I am this bent out of shape about the off the wall comment. He keeps telling me I shouldn't take it personally because it came out of the mouths of apes. But, somehow I do take it personally. I don't like people thinking negative things about me. Unfortunately I do stop and ask myself what I am doing to make them feel that way. I am also quite the perfectionist and put outrageous expectations on myself and then onto others. My directors did not meet my expectations. And they rewarded my perfectionism by finding a fault. A fault that is unwarranted. I have had to look around at my environment and the people I allow to encompass it and realize that I am not what they accuse me of.
So, tomorrow, on the day of love, and...for those of you who forget, my day of birth, I am going to push all the negativity out of my mind and focus on the positive things of me that I think are good. The fact that you, dear internet, did not disagree in the last post with these outrageous claims will not bother me because I just assume that you too were so flabbergasted that you were speechless. I will know in my heart that you, just like those who carefully sent me all the wonderful cards and gifts, love the me that they love as well!
I do realize that I am not the woman of Proverbs that is the submissive type. I realize the I am will never be compared to Mrs. Cleaver. I do realize in normal conversation no one would use adjectives such as quiet, passive, or compliant. But, to say that I am anti-social because I choose to use this voice that God gave me is totally ludicrous. To tell me that because I don't allow people walk all over me I am a rude, vindictive person is completely absorb.
I do realize that I am sensitive. I do realize that I get defensive because of my sensitivity when people correct me. I take it personally. Bad me for not being perfect. But the crap that I got accused of at work this week just angers me to no end. My director actually said I have anti-social disorder. She says I don't like people and I am isolating. I have never, ever been accused of such a thing. And to be accused by someone who drives away every person who approaches her is really one to speak. Not just people but clients who specifically ask not to speak to her. Even the other girl I work with agrees with this off the wall comment. They say I have issues. Let me define anti-social disorder to you:
failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
impulsively or failure to plan ahead
irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
reckless disregard for safety of self or others
consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another
Now, I am the only one who is just flabbergasted at such an accusation? I can understand why they would think I am anti-social. I go out of my way to not have anything to do with them. I don't like toxic people and I don't let them have any part of my everyday life. I have enough drama in my own life to allow other's drama to seep into it. I don't eat lunch with them. I go home. And why don't I eat lunch with them? Because I don't like hearing them gossip about people and tear them down verbally behind their backs. I don't like hearing there outrageous comments about other individuals that I respect. I don't like the backstabbing. One director says rude comments about the other director. The other director makes rude comments about other staff members. Then those same directors when approached by these people are as sugary sweet as could be. I also don't associate with these people outside of Monday thru Thursday. Come 4:30 p.m I don't know them. I don't go to the bars with them. I don't go skiing with them. So now I am anti-social with major personality issues.
Now, for those of you who don't know, many people are getting fired for venting about work on their site. Just go to Google and type in "fired for blogging" and you'd be amazed at what you see. Please realize that I do know that I am taking a chance. I have done what I can to protect myself. No where on this site is the companies name mentioned. No where is my real full name documented so if you Google'd me, I wouldn't come up. The only way this site can be found in a search tool is knowing the title to this site...which these people don't know because they don't know D and my nicknames. If they really really tried, and found this site and read these things and wanted to fire me, that would also be fine. I have plently other people in the realm of work I am in who would agree wholeheartedly about what I have said and hire me on the spot. And if they didn't, that's just fine. I wanted to stay at home with my future kids anyways for a while!
With that disclaimer, please please internet come through for me. Disagree with this outrageous diagnosis. Of course I present this request to you after my previous "cutting" post. But I have learned in life to put up boundaries so I don't start to become a doormat for others problems. Excuse me because I don't like the fact that some people can't see past their bedmates when a friend is in need. I also know that I am outspoken. But these are qualities I admire in myself. These are qualities that if I was a man would bring me fame amongst my co-workers. But the simple fact is I am a female with the personality of my father, who retired pretty well respected after years working in the government. I have qualities which many of you reading this site also possess. Do I have room for change? Well, duh, we all do. But when that criticism comes from the mouths of apes, I have a hard taking it with respect.
There's this ongoing joke in my family that if you want to know if I am mad at you just read my site. For the most part there is a lot of truth to that statement. I do enjoy the occasional vent. It helps ward off un-necessary cat fights. I'm pissed at you. I vent on site. I feel better. The world carries on. Many of you might remember the situation of Girl and Boy #3. If not, review the story. So since that incident I never really had the time to really fill you all in. When I got back from my month of hell in October Girl came over to discuss that particular situation with me. Keeping in mind that October wasn't the cheeriest of months, I was not the cheeriest of people. And confrontation. Not a good idea at that point if you wanted me to be passive. So Girl comes over when I have returned and makes up a bunch of wooha trying to explain her point of view. She droned on and on trying hard to just out talk me until I gave up and ran to the martini bar. When she finally stopped the droning she ended with the statement (stupid for her) "You're not mad at me are you?".
To which I replied "Of course I am mad at you. You'd be stupid to think I wouldn't be mad at you. I don't really respect people who chooses their sleeping buddy over their girlfriends".
And with that she left with her tail between her legs and it has been there ever since. She has made a excellent effort at trying to rebuild the friendship. And really folks, I could care less that I didn't go to that party. I could care less that she went with Boy #3. I really am not mad at her. I just don't care anymore. Well, and I don't really respect her anymore, that's more of the issue. And as if I could have lost anymore respect for her, she came over to see me a couple of weeks back to let me know that she was now moving in with Boy #3. This is the same Boy that was just her bed partner. Nothing more. That was October. Now it's (then) January and he is now the love her of life. I know this guy. He is an idiot. My friends know this guy. They know he is an idiot. She again made the stupid mistake of asking for my opinion. And you know what I said? Nothing. Yep. I gave no opinion what-so-ever. My only response was: "It doesn't matter what I think because you will do whatever you want anyway".
Now, I know many of you must be thinking how petty I am being. Emily, she apologized. She can't help it if she is madly in love with the Captain Morgan's weekend worker, you say. See my friends, I know she apologized. I accepted her apology. But the love is gone. I would also think that she would get the picture and just move on with her life. But she doesn't. Today while home during my lunch break the phone rings. It's the generic number to D's work so I answer and quickly state to Derek that he's got 2 min before I've got to leave. It's not Derek though it's the Girl. And she asks if I will be available on Wednesday because she would really love to spend some quality time with me. Um, hello, did you not get the memo? This is me being nice to someone I don't like. Don't you notice the difference? I honestly don't know how much more I should ignore her until she gets the point. How do you nicely end the relationship. When she comes over it's just so uncomfortable because I am literally forcing the nice out of me. Forcing. Eeesh. I actually made intentional plans tonight to be gone tomorrow. How pathetic is this? D says I can't avoid her much longer. D obviously doesn't know that avoidance is my speciality!
Since I've started this site I never had to argue where the line needed to be drawn on what was to personal. When I write I don't write as if people are going to actually read this. Well, at first I did. I wrote what people were able handle. No anger. No sarcasm. All Christian. All the time. Of course that wasn't the real me. It was the person that others wanted me to be. Since both of my parents health status changed I have turned over a new leaf in writing. I no longer write for other's palates but I write for myself. You're right in what you're thinking though. Didn't she start this so others could know what was going on in her life? The answer to that is yes, you're right, I did. But almost like a person on a reality show, you forget the camera's are there and you start acting normal. So obviously the site has shifted from "us" to "me". It has allowed me to sift through things that constantly go through my mind and give you the opportunity to know and respond to things that I might not otherwise share with you over coffee. I know you are begging the question, as you might typically do, what's the point?
Well, here's the thing. D and I decided this weekend to no longer not try to stop a pregnancy. See? That's pretty big news. And pretty personal. It's the #1 thing on my mind right now so how can I not write about it? I don't want to feel like I am betraying some privacy act with my husband. I just know if he knew I was writing this he would feel uncomfortable. But we've talked about these type of things and this is my site now. A place for me. Do you see my dilemma? Of course I now feel like this birthmother I work with who will send me these emails with "f-bombs" in them and under the P.S. she'll apologize for swearing...if you knew it is wrong why not just delete it before you sent it? I am bothered about if I should share this with you, the internet viewing audience, but I also know as I write this I will sure as heck be pushing that "Publish Post" button so why bore you all with this discussion? I also know there is atleast one person who if didn't hear it here would be hearing it next time I talked to her.
However, as I said before, the fact that we have began to not prevent a pregnancy is a huge deal. For some time now I have wrestled with this concept of having a child. I worried endlessly about not being able to conceive. I argued about whether or not I was ready to give up this freedom that I adore. I was saddened that I would loose my figure that I already have a hard time accepting as is. But, I'm doing it. And how did I convince myself to begin? Well, I told myself that I would just have one. I would give it one try and see how it goes. I decided this on Friday while out at the movies with D. The character in this particular movie was an only child and Hollywood made his character seem so normal, and we all know the Hollywood is always right. Once I came to this conclusion I began looking forward to this plan. I now had a plan that felt comfortable to me. It made feel like I felt when I decided to go out of state for college. Even then I figured I would try it for one semester and if I didn't like it I would come home. I realize that I can't go back to Virginia if I don't like being a mom. And it's not enjoying being a mom that I doubt. I can't wait to parent a child. I am just not sure if I can do it right. Planning to only have one child feels very freeing. It doesn't feel as scary. I know that I will probably go on and have two kids...but for now it feels safer only planning for one.
Everyone...stop what you are doing and send me good pregnancy Karma. And while you're at it send me one more Martini for the road!
This weeks installment of Class Participation has officially ended...and ended with an excellent turnout. I knew I could trust you dear internet, you're always there for me and for that I will be forever in you debt. I feel like I am just gonna have to close my eyes and jump feet first into becoming a parent. Just like I did when I got married. I was just as petrified when I married D because like having a child, I knew that this was also forever, no turning back. It might have taken me a little longer to walk down the aisle, but regardless...the girl who had the most bets against her for ever settling down..settled down. Successfully and happily. I know I can do this parenting thing and as stated as #9 on my list..I will prove everything I've heard wrong!
So was I the only person out there who ditched the State of the Union Address? Well, before you call me an uneducated American please realize that my attention span is at the level of my sweet Gabi girl. I barely get through Church. Heck, I barely get through listening to my messages on my machine...and a 2 hour speech, nah, I don't think so. I instead did the next best thing and watched reruns of Sex and the City. So not to sound so pathetic as if my life is dictated by this show but tonight there was a quote that just made me laugh and think about me being a parent. Me, the Klutz who had a bowling accident last week. The sister of the Klutz that had to endure stiches in her hand that same night due to falling Pyrex. I break everything. Wireless cards, cellphones, numerous pairs of glasses...and yes, sadly I have even cracked my head. Twice. And broke an arm. That was done all under the age of 3. Here is the "clip" that brought such to me:
Miranda: (sitting on the stairs, very pregnant talking to Carrie) ....she was just trying to point out what needed to be childproofed. Oh my Gosh!
Carrie: What?
Miranda: I'm what needs to be childproofed! Can I tell you a secret, I dropped my niece on her head. How is this child ever going to make it?
And with that I just thought...ah, Baby Jr., how are you ever going to make it? I trip and fall and run into walls daily. Heck, I choke on my own saliva...yes, MY OWN SALIVA. And I am going to be carrying a tiny human with me. Can babies sustain bruises in the womb? I sure hope not!
