Sunday, February 06, 2005

Life is what happens while watching a movie

Since I've started this site I never had to argue where the line needed to be drawn on what was to personal. When I write I don't write as if people are going to actually read this. Well, at first I did. I wrote what people were able handle. No anger. No sarcasm. All Christian. All the time. Of course that wasn't the real me. It was the person that others wanted me to be. Since both of my parents health status changed I have turned over a new leaf in writing. I no longer write for other's palates but I write for myself. You're right in what you're thinking though. Didn't she start this so others could know what was going on in her life? The answer to that is yes, you're right, I did. But almost like a person on a reality show, you forget the camera's are there and you start acting normal. So obviously the site has shifted from "us" to "me". It has allowed me to sift through things that constantly go through my mind and give you the opportunity to know and respond to things that I might not otherwise share with you over coffee. I know you are begging the question, as you might typically do, what's the point?

Well, here's the thing. D and I decided this weekend to no longer not try to stop a pregnancy. See? That's pretty big news. And pretty personal. It's the #1 thing on my mind right now so how can I not write about it? I don't want to feel like I am betraying some privacy act with my husband. I just know if he knew I was writing this he would feel uncomfortable. But we've talked about these type of things and this is my site now. A place for me. Do you see my dilemma? Of course I now feel like this birthmother I work with who will send me these emails with "f-bombs" in them and under the P.S. she'll apologize for swearing...if you knew it is wrong why not just delete it before you sent it? I am bothered about if I should share this with you, the internet viewing audience, but I also know as I write this I will sure as heck be pushing that "Publish Post" button so why bore you all with this discussion? I also know there is atleast one person who if didn't hear it here would be hearing it next time I talked to her.

However, as I said before, the fact that we have began to not prevent a pregnancy is a huge deal. For some time now I have wrestled with this concept of having a child. I worried endlessly about not being able to conceive. I argued about whether or not I was ready to give up this freedom that I adore. I was saddened that I would loose my figure that I already have a hard time accepting as is. But, I'm doing it. And how did I convince myself to begin? Well, I told myself that I would just have one. I would give it one try and see how it goes. I decided this on Friday while out at the movies with D. The character in this particular movie was an only child and Hollywood made his character seem so normal, and we all know the Hollywood is always right. Once I came to this conclusion I began looking forward to this plan. I now had a plan that felt comfortable to me. It made feel like I felt when I decided to go out of state for college. Even then I figured I would try it for one semester and if I didn't like it I would come home. I realize that I can't go back to Virginia if I don't like being a mom. And it's not enjoying being a mom that I doubt. I can't wait to parent a child. I am just not sure if I can do it right. Planning to only have one child feels very freeing. It doesn't feel as scary. I know that I will probably go on and have two kids...but for now it feels safer only planning for one.

Everyone...stop what you are doing and send me good pregnancy Karma. And while you're at it send me one more Martini for the road!

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