It's been a very strange turn of events around here in Woodchuck land.
Yes, strange but at the same time amazing.
Do any of you realize that this time last month D was out of a job and now, less than 30 days later he has a rewarding career again and we are (almost) homeowners.
You read that right my friends! On Friday D and I signed the contracts agreeing to a counter bid therefore buying our very first home. And since we're on the subject of "this time last....", well, last Sunday I drove by this home with D and the two of us came home dreaming about if this house became our home. Never did I think that God would work it that we could actually afford it.
Do any of you believe in divine intervention? Well, I do and this here just furthers my belief in God because we so should not be able to afford this house in this location. There is no home in this area that is priced below 200K, none at all. But here sat a little house, that actually isn't that little, nuzzled in a ideal neighborhood just waiting for us. The sellers had rejected 5 bids up to this point, ours would be the 6th bid and the bid that would make them counter bid at their rock bottom price, 15K below asking price. Now, the house, it needs a little love in the form of paint and fixtures and door knobs but it's the attention that we are willing and able to give.
And you will be able to read all about this journey each and every day because in a sleep deprived state I committed myself to participate in this: NaBloPoMo
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Hunters
I was supposed to be exercising the past hour.
I wasn't supposed to be sitting here on the phone or the couch for that matter.
I also was supposed to update this poor neglected site last night but couldn't. Well, really I was supposed to update on Friday but then this thing called thunder rolled on through and zapped my cable box and there was no Internet. Yes, a very sad 24 hours.
But that's not my excuse this time.
I have a better excuse.
We're house hunting.
Again.
I hate house hunting but I hate renting a apartment even more so if things go as planned we'll be moving soon.
That is if I make it.
Camille throws her arms in the air in great protest to being strapped in her carseat and driven all over tarnation.
I wasn't supposed to be sitting here on the phone or the couch for that matter.
I also was supposed to update this poor neglected site last night but couldn't. Well, really I was supposed to update on Friday but then this thing called thunder rolled on through and zapped my cable box and there was no Internet. Yes, a very sad 24 hours.
But that's not my excuse this time.
I have a better excuse.
We're house hunting.
Again.
I hate house hunting but I hate renting a apartment even more so if things go as planned we'll be moving soon.
That is if I make it.
Camille throws her arms in the air in great protest to being strapped in her carseat and driven all over tarnation.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Surviving
I wasn't going to post this but after reading a 'friends' site, I felt compelled. Although I felt it was important to write this, I felt it more important to use my voice and not my written words to express my love and thankfulness to my Mom. We, my Granny, sisters and I are so blessed. There are many who have felt the pain of loosing their loved one to cancer and for me, I've only had to experience the fear, not the actual event, not yet at least.
Two years ago and this very moment, this exact time I stood at the elevator door willing for it to open. Willing for your doctor to come out. Of course that was only after pacing the hospital lobby for the entire time you were in surgery. I tried sleeping because sleep did not come the night before and it still refused to come that day. So me and my knotted stomach pretended to care about the objects in the gift store. I faked like I was actually reading the bulletin board. But come 7:30 pm, exactly 2 hours from when they started the surgery, I couldn't put up with this facade any longer. I needed news and at this point I didn't care what the news was, except that you made it out of surgery alive. What they would find we would deal with as long as you were still alive. That was the fear that lived inside of me when I learned that you would be having the procedure. I had just learned of a women half your age who died on the operating table during the exact procedure as yours. Learning you had Cancer was scary enough, but the thought of loosing you right then and there was to much for me to bare. So instead I barely moved through those seven long days as we waited for this event to unfold. I wasn't as nervous about the outcome. Be it a Stage 2 or 3, that we would cross that path together as long as you were alive. And praise God you made it. When the doctor came through the elevator doors, before a word could even come out of his mouth, I was already asking if you made it okay, that was all I needed to know and you did, obviously. I can't remember much of anything else he might have said, except that it was better than we had expected, it was a Stage 1b. You were going to be okay which was good because I don't know what I was going to do if you weren't. Life without you, that would just be to empty and I never want to come that close to that thought again, at least not for a while. I know one day I'll loose you, but in my normal procrastinating ways, I would prefer to put that off for later, much, much later. I just can't live without my Mom, my best friend, my anchor. That was the worst week of my life. I would do all of over again if I had to if it meant never loosing you. I learned caring from you and every single moment we all gave to you is not even close to all that you deserve.
Two years ago today Mom you beat Cancer. You're now a survivor and that's how it must stay.
After reading this post, I realize how truly blessed we are.
Godspeed Miriam.
Two years ago and this very moment, this exact time I stood at the elevator door willing for it to open. Willing for your doctor to come out. Of course that was only after pacing the hospital lobby for the entire time you were in surgery. I tried sleeping because sleep did not come the night before and it still refused to come that day. So me and my knotted stomach pretended to care about the objects in the gift store. I faked like I was actually reading the bulletin board. But come 7:30 pm, exactly 2 hours from when they started the surgery, I couldn't put up with this facade any longer. I needed news and at this point I didn't care what the news was, except that you made it out of surgery alive. What they would find we would deal with as long as you were still alive. That was the fear that lived inside of me when I learned that you would be having the procedure. I had just learned of a women half your age who died on the operating table during the exact procedure as yours. Learning you had Cancer was scary enough, but the thought of loosing you right then and there was to much for me to bare. So instead I barely moved through those seven long days as we waited for this event to unfold. I wasn't as nervous about the outcome. Be it a Stage 2 or 3, that we would cross that path together as long as you were alive. And praise God you made it. When the doctor came through the elevator doors, before a word could even come out of his mouth, I was already asking if you made it okay, that was all I needed to know and you did, obviously. I can't remember much of anything else he might have said, except that it was better than we had expected, it was a Stage 1b. You were going to be okay which was good because I don't know what I was going to do if you weren't. Life without you, that would just be to empty and I never want to come that close to that thought again, at least not for a while. I know one day I'll loose you, but in my normal procrastinating ways, I would prefer to put that off for later, much, much later. I just can't live without my Mom, my best friend, my anchor. That was the worst week of my life. I would do all of over again if I had to if it meant never loosing you. I learned caring from you and every single moment we all gave to you is not even close to all that you deserve.
Two years ago today Mom you beat Cancer. You're now a survivor and that's how it must stay.
After reading this post, I realize how truly blessed we are.
Godspeed Miriam.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Guilty Pleasure
This week has been wonderful, so wonderful that I'm a little sad to see it end. It has been a breathe of fresh air as I've eased through it, the only worry on my mind to get Camille home in time for her nap. No stress, no speed bumps, nothing in my way.
One thing I forgot to mention to all of you though? When things aren't carefree but stressful, I loose my appetite. That's why I've been skipping lunch with you. But trust me, it wasn't you, it was definitely me. During my lunch strike, I did spend a lot of time finding our next site, I promise, I tried. It was like a maze at times. I would start off at one site, click through there link list and then on through the links from the original link list forgetting where I started from. Actually, it was the corn maze of the Internet world!
One evening I stumbled upon a site which I had never heard of before. As I always do when looking for new sites, I check their comments, it tells you a lot about a site. I was hoping for a diamond in the rough, one I could use for here. I've set this limit in my head. If there are more than X number of hits on a site, to me they're already a "known" site and can't possibly be a candidate for here. I'm all about helping out the little guy. This site was definitely not a little guy but I continued reading, and reading, and reading. I added her to my favorites and went on with my perusing. I have been reading this site everyday and just find her writing refreshing, witty and oh so funny. It was exactly what I needed. But I've been enjoying her site so much, I felt a little guilty. Here I am with this new read and because of a number in my head, I am refusing to share it with all of you.
Now what kind of Internet friend am I? Well, I'll tell you: I'm an Internet friend with a horrible case of OCD because I can't possibly highlight a site that has exceeded my number because, we all know it's about the numbers folks!
However, lucky for you, I'm working on this little issue. I'm a numbers kind of OCD girl. The microwave for instance, I can't stop it on any other group of numbers than 5's or 10's. You won't find me stopping it at 58 seconds, I must wait those extra 3 seconds. When putting silverware in the dishwasher we all know that there must be an equal amount in the basket or the entire universal will be thrown off somehow. And don't even get me started on eating M&M's.
But as I said, I'm working on this. Really. Okay?
One of the ways I'm working on it is by breaking my own numbers rule and sharing with you my little guilty pleasure. And how ironic is it, that on this Lunch on Friday I'm allowing you to enjoy Taste the World! Yeah, really, that's the name of her site! Get it? Lunch? Taste? No? Just me who finds that amusing?
I think you'll love Chase. She's an excellent writer and has received some type of blogging award that I had no clue even existed, but apparently they do. She reeled me with this post and I've been a sucker ever since. Her site is fresh and witty, we all know how much I love witty! Be sure to check her right column on the site to read her "What I learned today...", very funny.
It's good to be back at the lunch table with you guys. It's been too long.
One thing I forgot to mention to all of you though? When things aren't carefree but stressful, I loose my appetite. That's why I've been skipping lunch with you. But trust me, it wasn't you, it was definitely me. During my lunch strike, I did spend a lot of time finding our next site, I promise, I tried. It was like a maze at times. I would start off at one site, click through there link list and then on through the links from the original link list forgetting where I started from. Actually, it was the corn maze of the Internet world!
One evening I stumbled upon a site which I had never heard of before. As I always do when looking for new sites, I check their comments, it tells you a lot about a site. I was hoping for a diamond in the rough, one I could use for here. I've set this limit in my head. If there are more than X number of hits on a site, to me they're already a "known" site and can't possibly be a candidate for here. I'm all about helping out the little guy. This site was definitely not a little guy but I continued reading, and reading, and reading. I added her to my favorites and went on with my perusing. I have been reading this site everyday and just find her writing refreshing, witty and oh so funny. It was exactly what I needed. But I've been enjoying her site so much, I felt a little guilty. Here I am with this new read and because of a number in my head, I am refusing to share it with all of you.
Now what kind of Internet friend am I? Well, I'll tell you: I'm an Internet friend with a horrible case of OCD because I can't possibly highlight a site that has exceeded my number because, we all know it's about the numbers folks!
However, lucky for you, I'm working on this little issue. I'm a numbers kind of OCD girl. The microwave for instance, I can't stop it on any other group of numbers than 5's or 10's. You won't find me stopping it at 58 seconds, I must wait those extra 3 seconds. When putting silverware in the dishwasher we all know that there must be an equal amount in the basket or the entire universal will be thrown off somehow. And don't even get me started on eating M&M's.
But as I said, I'm working on this. Really. Okay?
One of the ways I'm working on it is by breaking my own numbers rule and sharing with you my little guilty pleasure. And how ironic is it, that on this Lunch on Friday I'm allowing you to enjoy Taste the World! Yeah, really, that's the name of her site! Get it? Lunch? Taste? No? Just me who finds that amusing?
I think you'll love Chase. She's an excellent writer and has received some type of blogging award that I had no clue even existed, but apparently they do. She reeled me with this post and I've been a sucker ever since. Her site is fresh and witty, we all know how much I love witty! Be sure to check her right column on the site to read her "What I learned today...", very funny.
It's good to be back at the lunch table with you guys. It's been too long.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Unexpected Detours
It's been a long time since I've been able say this, but I feel good. No, let's make that great. Yes, I feel great. I feel in control, finally, for once in the past several months, I feel in control. I also feel peaceful, something I forgot how to feel.
D started his new job on Monday and I started to feel more like myself. Having him home for the last 8 weeks has been a challenge for me. I like order and I like routine. Same thing, day in and day out, it's how I function. I don't function well when my perfectly etched out plans involve unexpected detours.
These past 8 weeks I've learned more about myself than I ever cared to learn.
I learned that I have a tendency to be selfish but thankfully have the capability to step back and realize it. The first week of D being home I was miserable. I was sad and anger and frustrated. I, I, I without even considering D. It finally dawned on me one day that this wasn't just about me. D was experiencing this too and it was as hard on him as it was on me, if not harder for him. Yes, it was a rude awakening.
I learned that D and I have a rock solid relationship that when put up to the test, we can pass with flying colors. I know that I love him very much and have never been more proud of him than I have been now. I've never fully appreciated his sense of honesty and integrity as I saw him go through this entire situation.
I also learned that when I put my mind to something, like let's say moving back to D.C., God has a interesting way of putting his hand on that button to remind me who is actually in control and it ain't me people, to my disappointment. Yes, yes. We were all set and waiting patiently for a job to come through and we were going to blow this Frozen Tundra joint. I was finally going to go back home where I belonged. But then that detour happened and we just couldn't wait for that door to open and found ourselves walking through doors we thought had closed. Guess what? I'm not moving. Well, at least not home because supposedly God thinks this should now be home and we're still discussing this issue, although I think I might be loosing. But, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with calling this home. I'm okay with the people in my life right now and am glad I won't have to be saying goodbye to them any time soon.
All in all, I'm okay.
Finally.
D started his new job on Monday and I started to feel more like myself. Having him home for the last 8 weeks has been a challenge for me. I like order and I like routine. Same thing, day in and day out, it's how I function. I don't function well when my perfectly etched out plans involve unexpected detours.
These past 8 weeks I've learned more about myself than I ever cared to learn.
I learned that I have a tendency to be selfish but thankfully have the capability to step back and realize it. The first week of D being home I was miserable. I was sad and anger and frustrated. I, I, I without even considering D. It finally dawned on me one day that this wasn't just about me. D was experiencing this too and it was as hard on him as it was on me, if not harder for him. Yes, it was a rude awakening.
I learned that D and I have a rock solid relationship that when put up to the test, we can pass with flying colors. I know that I love him very much and have never been more proud of him than I have been now. I've never fully appreciated his sense of honesty and integrity as I saw him go through this entire situation.
I also learned that when I put my mind to something, like let's say moving back to D.C., God has a interesting way of putting his hand on that button to remind me who is actually in control and it ain't me people, to my disappointment. Yes, yes. We were all set and waiting patiently for a job to come through and we were going to blow this Frozen Tundra joint. I was finally going to go back home where I belonged. But then that detour happened and we just couldn't wait for that door to open and found ourselves walking through doors we thought had closed. Guess what? I'm not moving. Well, at least not home because supposedly God thinks this should now be home and we're still discussing this issue, although I think I might be loosing. But, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with calling this home. I'm okay with the people in my life right now and am glad I won't have to be saying goodbye to them any time soon.
All in all, I'm okay.
Finally.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Sniff
Weekend riddle.
And since absolutely no one actually is on the Internet except for me on the weekend because clearly, I have no life, this is a good time to admit how much of an ass I can be.
Got in a sniff with a person.
Told anonymous person from the same establishment where met person with sniff about the sniff.
Turns out the anonymous person has become "friends" with person I had a sniff with but I sorta made peace with and now that person wants all three of us to get together and have coffee.
Problem?
I fear anonymous person will ask about the sniff in front of the person I had a sniff with not knowing that she was the person.
See my dilemma?
Tune in next week for our second episode of how my big mouth gets me into trouble and makes people stick needles in a voodoo doll designed just for me.
Oh, actually...one more thing? In that last post? Where I mentioned how I know when people read? Remember that? Well, apparently some people took that as a direct slap and really, really it was not meant to be anything except a public service announcement for anyone who doesn't like me, that's all (and yes I do realize that that list is growing by leaps and bounds right now).
It didn't mean you should stop reading though. Oh dear God please, we don't need anymore drama around these parts. I mean really, have you guys checked your stats recently? Do you see how much I hit your sites out of complete mundane evening boredom? Or if you don't actually have a site and now you are all paranoid because you think I'm going to think you're stalking me? I won't. Really. I just really look for strange IP address and when I see your IP address I just think, well, not much of anything.
Okay, now you can proceed with your weekends.
And since absolutely no one actually is on the Internet except for me on the weekend because clearly, I have no life, this is a good time to admit how much of an ass I can be.
Got in a sniff with a person.
Told anonymous person from the same establishment where met person with sniff about the sniff.
Turns out the anonymous person has become "friends" with person I had a sniff with but I sorta made peace with and now that person wants all three of us to get together and have coffee.
Problem?
I fear anonymous person will ask about the sniff in front of the person I had a sniff with not knowing that she was the person.
See my dilemma?
Tune in next week for our second episode of how my big mouth gets me into trouble and makes people stick needles in a voodoo doll designed just for me.
Oh, actually...one more thing? In that last post? Where I mentioned how I know when people read? Remember that? Well, apparently some people took that as a direct slap and really, really it was not meant to be anything except a public service announcement for anyone who doesn't like me, that's all (and yes I do realize that that list is growing by leaps and bounds right now).
It didn't mean you should stop reading though. Oh dear God please, we don't need anymore drama around these parts. I mean really, have you guys checked your stats recently? Do you see how much I hit your sites out of complete mundane evening boredom? Or if you don't actually have a site and now you are all paranoid because you think I'm going to think you're stalking me? I won't. Really. I just really look for strange IP address and when I see your IP address I just think, well, not much of anything.
Okay, now you can proceed with your weekends.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Hiding
"This strange season of pain will come to pass when the healing hands of Autumn cools me down"
There is only one other person out there who will ever fully understand the meaning of one simple cd which represented one simple time in life where two friends would sit over there coffee on a cool crisp Fall night like tonight talking, laughing, investing and confiding.
As I sit here tonight, no friend by my side to share this moment, and instead of holding a warm cup of coffee I hold a cool glass of Kahlua and cream, a simple yet compelling sign of how life has changed. Thinking back to those days my mind drifts from friends gained and friends lost. Some lost quite dramatically and some that just seemed to have just slipped through the cracks unnoticed.
These past few weeks have been quite the whirlwind of events that at times have made me feel quite suffocated leaving emotions trapped in mind, not quite sure were to go. As they just sat there, unsifted and unresolved I also sat in my corner trying to will all of this away.
How did we get here? How did we get to a place where something so simple as this site had become a newly renovated war ground where arrows were now being shot back and forth and now how on earth do I resolve this, along with all the other little wars that were escalating behind me?
I did what any grown woman would do, I simply hid. I hid this site, I hid myself refusing to return well meaning phone calls and emails. I hid because when emotions become stale and friendships become unstable self preservation seemed like the best choice. But then those well known lyrics repeat themselves in the back of my mind:
"I've got no need for anger with intimate strangers, I've got nothing to hide"
And with that, those lyrics I've heard played over and over again since that cool night 9 years ago, came so much resolution. I don't have anything to hide nor do I have any room or need for anger. I just want my life back, the life I was living 7 weeks ago with the same people who were in it then, I want them here with me now. I don't want anymore hurt or frustration. But mostly, I don't want anymore hiding.
It's over with. I'm over it. Let's just move on.
I took these past few days, which somehow has almost turned into weeks, to clear my head. Depression would definitely be a good word for what needed to be worked through, but it's worked through. For a split second there I almost deleted this site and boroughed further into hiding. Surprisingly, the day I was going to press that button an email landed in my inbox from a reader who was saddened that she could no longer read my site for she did not have the new address. This was not the first one I have received since the hiding took place. Many like these have landed in my inbox. Did any of you realize how one simple link on your site would mean something to a complete stranger? I realize it now as this one email finally made me realize what this site, unbeknownst to me, had become to others. It isn't just about stats or how many comments land on it, it's about a connection with people who can somehow relate to my life and how I can relate and grow through theirs. This site is not about a war ground or secret meanings and poison pen letters although I embarrassingly allowed it to get to that point.
So, no more hiding. If people really want to read this site, I will only feel flattered that they looked so hard for it through all of your links which I am hoping that you could now find a moment of time to fix.
The thing is, I know each and every one of you who reads, of course that is not a secret to those of you who have your own site. But I know. I know each and every IP address that hits this site. I know where you are reading from, be it from your home or from your work. I know what time you visited and how long you stayed. Granted, I don't typically concentrate to much on those stats, but it should just be known that I'm flattered that each of you stop by. That's all.
And with that, my friends, I ask for you to please take me out of hiding. It's time.
There is only one other person out there who will ever fully understand the meaning of one simple cd which represented one simple time in life where two friends would sit over there coffee on a cool crisp Fall night like tonight talking, laughing, investing and confiding.
As I sit here tonight, no friend by my side to share this moment, and instead of holding a warm cup of coffee I hold a cool glass of Kahlua and cream, a simple yet compelling sign of how life has changed. Thinking back to those days my mind drifts from friends gained and friends lost. Some lost quite dramatically and some that just seemed to have just slipped through the cracks unnoticed.
These past few weeks have been quite the whirlwind of events that at times have made me feel quite suffocated leaving emotions trapped in mind, not quite sure were to go. As they just sat there, unsifted and unresolved I also sat in my corner trying to will all of this away.
How did we get here? How did we get to a place where something so simple as this site had become a newly renovated war ground where arrows were now being shot back and forth and now how on earth do I resolve this, along with all the other little wars that were escalating behind me?
I did what any grown woman would do, I simply hid. I hid this site, I hid myself refusing to return well meaning phone calls and emails. I hid because when emotions become stale and friendships become unstable self preservation seemed like the best choice. But then those well known lyrics repeat themselves in the back of my mind:
"I've got no need for anger with intimate strangers, I've got nothing to hide"
And with that, those lyrics I've heard played over and over again since that cool night 9 years ago, came so much resolution. I don't have anything to hide nor do I have any room or need for anger. I just want my life back, the life I was living 7 weeks ago with the same people who were in it then, I want them here with me now. I don't want anymore hurt or frustration. But mostly, I don't want anymore hiding.
It's over with. I'm over it. Let's just move on.
I took these past few days, which somehow has almost turned into weeks, to clear my head. Depression would definitely be a good word for what needed to be worked through, but it's worked through. For a split second there I almost deleted this site and boroughed further into hiding. Surprisingly, the day I was going to press that button an email landed in my inbox from a reader who was saddened that she could no longer read my site for she did not have the new address. This was not the first one I have received since the hiding took place. Many like these have landed in my inbox. Did any of you realize how one simple link on your site would mean something to a complete stranger? I realize it now as this one email finally made me realize what this site, unbeknownst to me, had become to others. It isn't just about stats or how many comments land on it, it's about a connection with people who can somehow relate to my life and how I can relate and grow through theirs. This site is not about a war ground or secret meanings and poison pen letters although I embarrassingly allowed it to get to that point.
So, no more hiding. If people really want to read this site, I will only feel flattered that they looked so hard for it through all of your links which I am hoping that you could now find a moment of time to fix.
The thing is, I know each and every one of you who reads, of course that is not a secret to those of you who have your own site. But I know. I know each and every IP address that hits this site. I know where you are reading from, be it from your home or from your work. I know what time you visited and how long you stayed. Granted, I don't typically concentrate to much on those stats, but it should just be known that I'm flattered that each of you stop by. That's all.
And with that, my friends, I ask for you to please take me out of hiding. It's time.
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