It's been a long time since I've been able say this, but I feel good. No, let's make that great. Yes, I feel great. I feel in control, finally, for once in the past several months, I feel in control. I also feel peaceful, something I forgot how to feel.
D started his new job on Monday and I started to feel more like myself. Having him home for the last 8 weeks has been a challenge for me. I like order and I like routine. Same thing, day in and day out, it's how I function. I don't function well when my perfectly etched out plans involve unexpected detours.
These past 8 weeks I've learned more about myself than I ever cared to learn.
I learned that I have a tendency to be selfish but thankfully have the capability to step back and realize it. The first week of D being home I was miserable. I was sad and anger and frustrated. I, I, I without even considering D. It finally dawned on me one day that this wasn't just about me. D was experiencing this too and it was as hard on him as it was on me, if not harder for him. Yes, it was a rude awakening.
I learned that D and I have a rock solid relationship that when put up to the test, we can pass with flying colors. I know that I love him very much and have never been more proud of him than I have been now. I've never fully appreciated his sense of honesty and integrity as I saw him go through this entire situation.
I also learned that when I put my mind to something, like let's say moving back to D.C., God has a interesting way of putting his hand on that button to remind me who is actually in control and it ain't me people, to my disappointment. Yes, yes. We were all set and waiting patiently for a job to come through and we were going to blow this Frozen Tundra joint. I was finally going to go back home where I belonged. But then that detour happened and we just couldn't wait for that door to open and found ourselves walking through doors we thought had closed. Guess what? I'm not moving. Well, at least not home because supposedly God thinks this should now be home and we're still discussing this issue, although I think I might be loosing. But, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with calling this home. I'm okay with the people in my life right now and am glad I won't have to be saying goodbye to them any time soon.
All in all, I'm okay.