Surviving

I wasn't going to post this but after reading a 'friends' site, I felt compelled. Although I felt it was important to write this, I felt it more important to use my voice and not my written words to express my love and thankfulness to my Mom. We, my Granny, sisters and I are so blessed. There are many who have felt the pain of loosing their loved one to cancer and for me, I've only had to experience the fear, not the actual event, not yet at least.

Two years ago and this very moment, this exact time I stood at the elevator door willing for it to open. Willing for your doctor to come out. Of course that was only after pacing the hospital lobby for the entire time you were in surgery. I tried sleeping because sleep did not come the night before and it still refused to come that day. So me and my knotted stomach pretended to care about the objects in the gift store. I faked like I was actually reading the bulletin board. But come 7:30 pm, exactly 2 hours from when they started the surgery, I couldn't put up with this facade any longer. I needed news and at this point I didn't care what the news was, except that you made it out of surgery alive. What they would find we would deal with as long as you were still alive. That was the fear that lived inside of me when I learned that you would be having the procedure. I had just learned of a women half your age who died on the operating table during the exact procedure as yours. Learning you had Cancer was scary enough, but the thought of loosing you right then and there was to much for me to bare. So instead I barely moved through those seven long days as we waited for this event to unfold. I wasn't as nervous about the outcome. Be it a Stage 2 or 3, that we would cross that path together as long as you were alive. And praise God you made it. When the doctor came through the elevator doors, before a word could even come out of his mouth, I was already asking if you made it okay, that was all I needed to know and you did, obviously. I can't remember much of anything else he might have said, except that it was better than we had expected, it was a Stage 1b. You were going to be okay which was good because I don't know what I was going to do if you weren't. Life without you, that would just be to empty and I never want to come that close to that thought again, at least not for a while. I know one day I'll loose you, but in my normal procrastinating ways, I would prefer to put that off for later, much, much later. I just can't live without my Mom, my best friend, my anchor. That was the worst week of my life. I would do all of over again if I had to if it meant never loosing you. I learned caring from you and every single moment we all gave to you is not even close to all that you deserve.

Two years ago today Mom you beat Cancer. You're now a survivor and that's how it must stay.

After reading this post, I realize how truly blessed we are.

Godspeed Miriam.