Hiding

"This strange season of pain will come to pass when the healing hands of Autumn cools me down"

There is only one other person out there who will ever fully understand the meaning of one simple cd which represented one simple time in life where two friends would sit over there coffee on a cool crisp Fall night like tonight talking, laughing, investing and confiding.

As I sit here tonight, no friend by my side to share this moment, and instead of holding a warm cup of coffee I hold a cool glass of Kahlua and cream, a simple yet compelling sign of how life has changed. Thinking back to those days my mind drifts from friends gained and friends lost. Some lost quite dramatically and some that just seemed to have just slipped through the cracks unnoticed.

These past few weeks have been quite the whirlwind of events that at times have made me feel quite suffocated leaving emotions trapped in mind, not quite sure were to go. As they just sat there, unsifted and unresolved I also sat in my corner trying to will all of this away.

How did we get here? How did we get to a place where something so simple as this site had become a newly renovated war ground where arrows were now being shot back and forth and now how on earth do I resolve this, along with all the other little wars that were escalating behind me?

I did what any grown woman would do, I simply hid. I hid this site, I hid myself refusing to return well meaning phone calls and emails. I hid because when emotions become stale and friendships become unstable self preservation seemed like the best choice. But then those well known lyrics repeat themselves in the back of my mind:

"I've got no need for anger with intimate strangers, I've got nothing to hide"

And with that, those lyrics I've heard played over and over again since that cool night 9 years ago, came so much resolution. I don't have anything to hide nor do I have any room or need for anger. I just want my life back, the life I was living 7 weeks ago with the same people who were in it then, I want them here with me now. I don't want anymore hurt or frustration. But mostly, I don't want anymore hiding.

It's over with. I'm over it. Let's just move on.

I took these past few days, which somehow has almost turned into weeks, to clear my head. Depression would definitely be a good word for what needed to be worked through, but it's worked through. For a split second there I almost deleted this site and boroughed further into hiding. Surprisingly, the day I was going to press that button an email landed in my inbox from a reader who was saddened that she could no longer read my site for she did not have the new address. This was not the first one I have received since the hiding took place. Many like these have landed in my inbox. Did any of you realize how one simple link on your site would mean something to a complete stranger? I realize it now as this one email finally made me realize what this site, unbeknownst to me, had become to others. It isn't just about stats or how many comments land on it, it's about a connection with people who can somehow relate to my life and how I can relate and grow through theirs. This site is not about a war ground or secret meanings and poison pen letters although I embarrassingly allowed it to get to that point.

So, no more hiding. If people really want to read this site, I will only feel flattered that they looked so hard for it through all of your links which I am hoping that you could now find a moment of time to fix.

The thing is, I know each and every one of you who reads, of course that is not a secret to those of you who have your own site. But I know. I know each and every IP address that hits this site. I know where you are reading from, be it from your home or from your work. I know what time you visited and how long you stayed. Granted, I don't typically concentrate to much on those stats, but it should just be known that I'm flattered that each of you stop by. That's all.

And with that, my friends, I ask for you to please take me out of hiding. It's time.