Okay, so I have a lot of catching up to do, I know. But let me first begin with a follow up to my last post. My Dad is obviously feeling slightly picked on by my overwhelming talk of "Denial" which he keeps asking me "What the heck am I denying". Fine, the cat is so out of the bag now...hint, hint...that overwhelming talk of denial there **in a whisper I say** I was talking about ME!!
Yep, me, not you Dad, me, really!! I tried to explain this to him over Thanksgiving but he just wasn't believing me, and no thanks to my wonderful husband who insisted in chiming in how he too assumed I was totally talking about Dad also. I know you can still argue with me that I was referring completely to my Dad being the deny'er but come one, it's my site and I can say whatever the heck I want....blah blah blah ya ya ya...see, saying whatever I want!! So, I am sorry if my written word causes you to disagree but they are my opinions!
Alrighty, if I was keeping a list of topics to cover, this would be numero 2:
Thanksgiving as a whole turned out to be quite successful, just one or two knicks, but again, I am referring to it as a whole (and I will get to those knicks soon). Mom looked really great, as if she is starting to really improve. She still needed some help in the kitchen, which all of us were more than happy to oblige. I am not quite sure if she was really doing okay, or just really wanted Thanksgiving. Before this Turkey day she and my Grandmother had talked about possibly canceling our annual get together. I know this thought just crushed mom as she loves to see all her kids together so that is why I think even if her incision was killing her, she would have just ignored it! D says she is looking really good. I am glad he thought that because right now I my eyes don't see things in a very positive light. I think the highlight of my visit home would be our 5 a.m. waking, all in the name of shopping! Not as if you really needed another reason to think I am just way out in left field, but..... Koh'ls was having an incredible sale at 5:30 am and mom wanted atleast one of her kids to go with her. Well, we each woke up thinking the other 2 wouldn't go and we didn't want to have mom go by herself. To our surprise all 3 of us were there standing in the kitchen...heck, even to my surprise! Not only was I shocked that I woke up so early, but I actually went shopping with, you ready...No makeup, running pants and a long sleeve T, hair (dirty mind you) pulled back in an elastic!! I figured, who cares, it's just Kohl's, or I thought! Our travels ended up bringing us to Tysons Corner, the snitty mall with really pretty people! And then there's me...the whole time I was praying:
"Dear God, I know you have brought cancer into my family so you really must not like me right now...but, do you think you can atleast spare me the embarrassment of running into someone in this treacherous condition?" Whola, prayers answered (can't spare Dad cancer, but atleast he spared me humiliation!) I got out of the mall with no run ins..so, the day was successful! Then the worst part came, which it always does, it was time to say goodbye and leave for the in-laws (no I am not saying that visiting them is awful...saying goodbye to mom is the awful part). This visit was smooth...so smooth that it doesn't even require a number. D's family is the quiet family so not much drama. If they (not D's fam, they the others) had any negative feelings for me, I would never know..which is probably good b/c my list of those whom I annoy just grows daily. I am a little shocked that noone has dedicated a blog solely for the purpose of how much I annoy them! So, my wish was answered, for this small moment I was able to use the word simple to describe that 24 hours in my life!
Topic #3 (if I was making a list that is):
Dad's visit...okay, now, here is where I really can defend my position of the "Denial" issue and maybe prove once and for all that I really was referring mainly to myself (but whose keeping score). On the drive to Dad's D asked how I was feeling about this appending visit knowing how overly emotional and melodramatic I am when it comes to the issue of Dad's health right now. My response was that of one who has earned the Princess of Denial title and said: "Hmm...don't know, not thinking about it anymore" When we got to Dad's I stood outside just watching everyone from the bay window, it was very surreal..I could see them but they couldn't see me, it was like my own reality show, I had front row tickets. When I got a good look at Dad, I plainly ignored the fact that this man was not the same man I had just seen 3 months back...totally ignored it, took a huge breath and waltzed through that door with the strength of a freight train. If he's gotta be strong, I need to be also. I did catch myself a few times focusing on what really was and felt some desperate tears trying to escape...those I shooshed away. But honestly, you get use to the different appearance especially once he starts talking and you realize that he might have lost his hair but he hasn't lost his relentless pursuit at picking on you......and life goes on I guess.
As far as that little "knick" to my successful weekend. Now, I will tell ya', I have debated with myself how the best way should be to deal with this huge crater of frustration that has been thrown inside of me. I have cursed, I have threatened silently.....I have even contemplated making a list of people who are on my last nerve and put this person right at #1. Well, cautious D advised against this...he said I wouldn't have any friends left and people would think I was to grumpy. I decided he was right, I don't want people to think that I am grumpy. I promise this is just a season. Well, instead I have decided to just get it out here and leave it.
We begin when (I shall call them Mac and Cheese) Mac, Cheese and I were having a nice little light hearted conversation. No snide remarks, just shooting the breeze talking about their little Chicken Nuggets. I made a comment about how one of their Chicken Nuggets (b/c it is a little different than other Nuggets) might have some issues later down the road when it starts dating for the obvious reason that they live in an area that is STATISTICALLY proven not to like different Nuggets....STATISTICALLY Proven ya' yoyo, no need to get defensive!! I didn't call Mac a yoyo at first, I am calling Mac a yoyo now! Here is what happens next:
Due to the fact that my venting was successful, I have decided to remove the remaining slander instead of risking an uprise, or shall we get old school and say instead of risking the "Return of the Mac"
What a day, what a week, heck, what a month! I have only been back in New York for just 11 days but yet everything is feeling like a huge black abyss......let me explain: First, as a little girl I was always told to never feel sorry for yourself, actually it was always looked down upon. To quote my father
"1,2,3 let's have a pity party for Emily"
....so now as an adult I feel like the worst thing you can do is to sit down and stop life to feel sorry for yourself. But yet it is amazing, when you don't do exactly that which you find your psyche beckoning you to do ~ the one thing that you had been persuaded against doing for so many years ~ it basically get's sweet sweet revenge on you. I think I realized tonight that I am not really as fine as I think I am, hence the revenge of the ignored psyche. It only took one little earthquake to shake my sense of comfort to make me realize this. I received an email from my dad this evening in which he mentioned that he was at the airport, the email was written at 5:30 pm and it was only 1 hour later, so I decided I would try to catch him before he left, which I did in the knick of time, he had just boarded the plane...just enough time to inquire about his chemo state like condition. Just as if he was telling me how he bought Ground Round for a great price, with that same tone he tells me he has now lost almost all of his hair, and that he needs to install Office 2003 on my laptop while I am in Maryland for Thanksgiving.
Ummm....what....back up buddy..no, before the Office 2003....nope, after the thing about the airport having a free hot spot......yes, I will bring my laptop, can we discuss this hair loss thing? Yes, I realize it will grow back but IT IS GONE NOW, NOW, NOT LATER AND NOW I HAVE TO FACE THIS......THIS TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!!!
Okay, and it is now that I realize that I am NOT alright with any of this. I am very sad and want to snap my fingers back to when life was easy. I want to call my mom and hear that she is feeling great and back to her old self, not that she is really having a tough time readjusting to life as she once knew it.
I don'twant my dad to look sick and show signs of cancer or chemo. I just want life to be simple.
I don't want to have to go home for Thanksgiving and feel guilty that I can't divide myself up evenly
I don't want to argue with my husband about it anymore
I don't want to not even care about anyone's feelings because right now my feelings are enough to care about.
I do want to start to use the word simple to explain life right now.
Now here is the frustrating thing...just typing this my inner dialogue is telling me how wrong it is that I am feeling sorry for myself. Here is what it is saying
"Emily, there are people out there dealing with far worse than you...snap out of it, end this pity party and get your butt to Wal*Mart"
Gosh, does anyone see a problem with that, or is it just me? Comments would be greatly appreciated!
Well, at least my week was not as hellish as it could have been and I have some really great friends that I love and who I think really love me (either that or I am a huge sucker). I think I am going to go back to pretending everything is peachy keen and go shopping at Wal*Mart now for some craft supplies. Hmmm...if Dad is the King of Denial I guess that makes me the Princess of Denial, atleast I hold that position well!
Tonight I have worked very hard on the site and updated my top 100 listand cleaned out the older links and added news ones. I even added another quote, some new pics and changed the order to make it easier to follow. Just an FYI: I moved some of the older pictures to a section titled "Archived Pictures" just incase you needed them. I know that is not much of an update on me, however, my poor little brain is just on reject mode for now and anything I would write just wouldn't make sense, so I have decided I would save all of you the torture of my rambling! Although the timer will say it is 10:20 p.m. on Saturday, it is a lie, it is really 1:00 a.m. on Sunday! For now, enjoy and I promise that I will write more soon.
I am thrilled to inform everyone that I have not caused physical damaged to each and every person that has caused me great angst this week. Now, don't go and give me all this credit for being a pacifist or anything. The only reason I have decided to put my best foot forward is that I am just to darn worn out to deal with all these stupid people corroding my life right. I decided because I am forced to go to work at the time to help support my high priced addictions (no, they are all legal and do not involve any substances) I can't just go hide on an island. So, after having a relaxing sleep last night thanks to Ambien, I woke up not to cranky and decided to take an Aromatherapy Shower with my new Relax lavender Shower Gel. Now, I can't say for sure if it was the voodoo lotion that took my frustration down a notch, but I decided to bag the whole "I am going to bite your head off" mentality and go into it with the best attitude possible. Seriously, they SO deserved a head being bit but I really just don't have the energy nor the brain capacity at this time to handle that. Plus, I really think it would throw them off a little....you'all know how it goes, Emily ~ not being relentless?!?!? I think it worked, well, I know it worked because my morning didn't go horribly. It almost crumbled on me though because the question that I just knew was going to be hurled in my face came about 2 hours into my day:
Hmmmm....you'll never know as I have removed this portion to cover ones ass!
To make sure I don't sound to self absorbed, I left Mom yesterday in the trusted hands of my Grandmother. Now I am sure many of you are begging the question of how an 87 year old woman could still care for another. The answer to that question is plain and simple...just imagine me times 100! This woman is truly amazing, if you think I am a handful, you wouldn't be able to handle my Grandmother. Although my was tearful at the airport, physically she was doing pretty good for a woman 2 weeks post-op. She is still slow moving around, and by the evening is ready for a rest but she is well enough that I have some peace about coming back to New York. Again, some peace, not total peace about being back. I really wanted to stay but knew if I didn't leave I would never come back to New York.
Well, that is all for my rambling for now. God finally decided to stop shooting darts at me and sent me a day off on Thursday. Yippee!! I only have a 3 day work week and a 4 day weekend. I am so going to spoil rotten, no holding back. Who is up for coffee and a manicure? No one? Just me? That's fine, I do enjoy my own company.
Oh, poor Jenn, I forgot to mention that she has dove into the world of blogging with her little sisters help. Go check out her cute site!
There's no place like home, there's no place like home...hmmmmmm
Well, okay Maryann, you are right (as usual!), Tsk Tsk on me for not updating everyone on mom, I mean, it was her that did have surgery right? Bad Emily! Mom is doing remarkably well even with a set back. Friday she was diagnosed with pneumonia and a UTI (as I did atleast note that in my last entry, didn't I?) and the doctor thinks the spiked temperature is from a reaction to the anti-biotic so they cut the dose in half. Yesterday she did much better and even had an outing to Panera for lunch and Kohl's for some quick shopping. She is still unable to walk around that much, so thank goodness for wheel chair services. By the time I carted her all around the store, she was pretty exhausted and ready to come home. She really is just recovering very well. I am still a little hesitant about leaving her Saturday, so I think for peace of mind I will rebook my flight and leave on Sunday. I don't have a ride to BWI on Saturday anyhow so that will give me another day to set something up.
So is it bad for me to vent?? Is it wrong for me to feel so spent that I no longer have any patience left? I ask because I am feeling a little guilty about spewing my disgust with people all over the internet last night...although I think it is very therapeutic to get all that out and it is better than taking it out on someone, right? Maybe I feel guilty because I was raised to always be a lady at ALL times and typing out all my frustrations may not be that lady like. Ahhh...I don't know..I am still very frustrated and NOT looking forward to touching ground in New York in a couple of days. I am trying to keep everything in perspective though..I realize that compared to others, what I am dealing with is a bed of roses, they would trade me in a heart beat, that type of thinking helps me stay thankful for what I have. Also knowing others have been through if not worse and made it out on the other side. But I will tell you, times like this allow you the opportunity to see others true colors. I have learned that I have some incredible friends. This has also brought out the nasty side of others though which is making me reevaluate certain things in my life. Trust me, I have not put myself so high up on a pedestal that I think I should be treated as royalty. But there are some basic things that I do expect out of others, especially my work relationships. When you see these people's bad sides, you must decide is this really who they are? Those who have worked for these people I am sure would say yes!! I don't people, I think I am just fed up!! I am going to stop complaining for now and go pet my cat.
I must warn you, I have no patience left...instead of taking it out on another poor butcher (keep reading, you'll understand) I have decided to vent here. Consider that your disclaimer!!
Let me just start off by saying that my string of patience is becoming shorter and shorter as each day begins! I am not quite sure how long one person is really expected to "grin and bare it" until they finally just stop with the sugary sweet fake stuff and just say it as it is!! I mean really people, can I just catch a break for a moment, if not out of respect but the least out of pity!! Yep, I am totally pulling that pity card out and flashing it in all the obnoxious jerks who refuse to work with me here. Well, no, not even the pity card, the "You are on my last nerve and I am done being nice" card!!! AAAAAAAAARGH!
For starters here, I had these great expectations of taking this week slow and while mom was resting to use that time to catch up with friends. Well, you know how the Christian platitude goes "God will never give you more than you can bare" (blah blah blah) I really have come to the conclusion that he gives me way to much credit. I arrived in VA on Sunday, rather than Saturday because my body decided to reject me with a friendly UTI, fun fun....as I am about to get on the plane my sister informs me via cellphone that my mom's car is in the shop and come Monday we will have no transportation. Great!! Monday comes and the shop says the car will be out by Tuesday.....no biggie so I rent a car. Tuesday comes and now it won't be out until Wednesday...not a big deal, well, didn't have time for it to be a big deal b/c remember the bit about me catching up with old friends, no can do on Monday b/c Mom is running a 101.3 temp which by Tuesday the Doctor wants her to come in for a check up.....this of course takes from 1:00 pm to 5:00 pm which also means I have to cancel 1:30 coffee time with my dear friend Donna. At least we get home before 7:00 so I can exercise my civic duty and vote ~~ which on a side note, don't even ask who I voted for, I have decided that people have become way to sensitive about this so I am keeping it between me, God and the computer ~~ they allowed mom to vote from the car, great, one thing down.....so, today will be easier right? Get the car back, call a friend and go see her with out the fear of going over the allotted miles for the rental...no can do, again, now the car won't be back until Thursday evening!! Eeeshh....now, through out the day to just make my temper slowly creep into the uncontrollable range, I was participating in poison pen competitions with my work...ahhh yes, as if my life was already stressful enough, they have decided differently and don't believe they should have to be understanding of anyone else except themselves. So I get all these emails today basically along the lines of "What the heck have you been doing these past 3 weeks, you suck!!".....Well, they don't say that exactly, but that is what the message feels like...hmmm...let's see, since October 11, not even counting my father's shaky health alert in September, my life went from a little stressful to hellfully stressful and one would think that work might cut me some slack??? Nope, that is not part of the deal, well, at least they are being consistent, right? Every person who has quit that job has done so b/c there has been a crisis in their lives that the stupid Agency has been inconsiderate of, so, the people count there losses and quit....not like it is that hard to find another job making the crappy salary that they have the nerve to pay us...so, things just can't get anymore frustrating.. okay, really, my anxiety is so high right now I can barely scarf down a full meal.
So, here is the straw that has just made me snap. It is little, but just enough after the slime balls at work to do the trick on my patience. The one thing, one and only thing, that I look forward to in New York is the yearly Christmas party at my Husbands work, yes, that is pathetic, I know. But, in order to go, you must have 5 couples from his work reserve a table. I had just spoken to "my friend" about this 3 weeks ago (aka Pre-Mom's Cancer) and we were looking forward to going again this year together....my dear husband asked her tonight if we are still going and she says yes...great...well, not great, later that even she comes over with Boy #3 and reveals that Boy #3 has said she will be sitting with his friends! Yeah, I really really hate when girls do that, have they not realized that is the quickest way to loose girl friends?!?!? So, now we don't even have one couple to go with (Oh, did I forget to mention that my other "friend" has done the same thing for the same reason with her Boy, who I call Boy #2) No Christmas Party this year, that really sucks!!
As you can see, I am about to just loose it, really, I have no patience left. Just yesterday I went to the Butcher to get some Italian Sausage and the guy was such a huge JERK and I told him what a huge JERK I thought he was being. I actually stood there and agrued about how much of a huge jerk he was, I am glad to say I won and got my apology. See, I am loosing it. This guy had a knife in his hands, not to mention the gazillion tattoos all over his body, but no fear, I am so spent. I have not one ounce of patience left in me. I responded to my latest poison pen email tonight from work, it was pretty viscous...actually it was so viscous that thank goodness I know the account passwords and was able to delete it off the server.
Okay friends, no christian platitudes PLEASE but maybe a nice word or two?!?!!?
