Thursday, November 18, 2004

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt kiddo!

What a day, what a week, heck, what a month! I have only been back in New York for just 11 days but yet everything is feeling like a huge black abyss......let me explain: First, as a little girl I was always told to never feel sorry for yourself, actually it was always looked down upon. To quote my father

"1,2,3 let's have a pity party for Emily" now as an adult I feel like the worst thing you can do is to sit down and stop life to feel sorry for yourself. But yet it is amazing, when you don't do exactly that which you find your psyche beckoning you to do ~ the one thing that you had been persuaded against doing for so many years ~ it basically get's sweet sweet revenge on you. I think I realized tonight that I am not really as fine as I think I am, hence the revenge of the ignored psyche. It only took one little earthquake to shake my sense of comfort to make me realize this. I received an email from my dad this evening in which he mentioned that he was at the airport, the email was written at 5:30 pm and it was only 1 hour later, so I decided I would try to catch him before he left, which I did in the knick of time, he had just boarded the plane...just enough time to inquire about his chemo state like condition. Just as if he was telling me how he bought Ground Round for a great price, with that same tone he tells me he has now lost almost all of his hair, and that he needs to install Office 2003 on my laptop while I am in Maryland for Thanksgiving.

Ummm....what....back up, before the Office 2003....nope, after the thing about the airport having a free hot spot......yes, I will bring my laptop, can we discuss this hair loss thing? Yes, I realize it will grow back but IT IS GONE NOW, NOW, NOT LATER AND NOW I HAVE TO FACE THIS......THIS TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!!!

Okay, and it is now that I realize that I am NOT alright with any of this. I am very sad and want to snap my fingers back to when life was easy. I want to call my mom and hear that she is feeling great and back to her old self, not that she is really having a tough time readjusting to life as she once knew it.

I don't want my dad to look sick and show signs of cancer or chemo. I just want life to be simple.

I don't want to have to go home for Thanksgiving and feel guilty that I can't divide myself up evenly

I don't want to argue with my husband about it anymore

I don't want to not even care about anyone's feelings because right now my feelings are enough to care about.

I do want to start to use the word simple to explain life right now.

Now here is the frustrating thing...just typing this my inner dialogue is telling me how wrong it is that I am feeling sorry for myself. Here is what it is saying

"Emily, there are people out there dealing with far worse than you...snap out of it, end this pity party and get your butt to Wal*Mart"

Gosh, does anyone see a problem with that, or is it just me? Comments would be greatly appreciated!

Well, at least my week was not as hellish as it could have been and I have some really great friends that I love and who I think really love me (either that or I am a huge sucker). I think I am going to go back to pretending everything is peachy keen and go shopping at Wal*Mart now for some craft supplies. Hmmm...if Dad is the King of Denial I guess that makes me the Princess of Denial, atleast I hold that position well!

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