After pulling extra hours this weekend, one baby pick up at a hospital 1 hour away on Saturday and a birthmother visit at the local hospital on Sunday, I am feeling a teeny bit burnt-out. I really had a lot of things that I needed to accomplish to prepare for the next 2 hectic weekends. This weekend I have my in-laws coming to visit and then the following weekend I am traveling home for my mother's surgery. During that same week (of mom's surgery) my father will be begin his chemo, which treatment he will be receiving, we don't know yet. That will be another hurdle to get over, dependent on the sub-category of his Mantle Cell, which will also determine the severity and his life expectancy, his doctor's will then have an idea of treatment options. It would be great if my directors weren't such stick in the muds and would allow me to use the extra hours I put in as comp-time (instead of getting paid for them, take an afternoon off). So, tonight I am just going to have to skip Bible Study and stay at home and attempt to get caught up on some minor things that are lingering. I am falling so far behind right now that I don't even have dish-soap left!! Eeesh! But, if I really bust butt this evening and not become lazy, the rest of the week should even out. Oh, did I mention, to just add more chaos to my already chaotic life, I broke my glasses? And then the spares? Yes, yes....while in New York City last month I put my glasses in my sister's bookbag (I know, not the smoothest move on my part). By the time she returned them to me, the frames had snapped and Jenn had lost the lense. Well, I didn't want to buy new glasses when I knew that come the new year my insurance would cover the whole thing 100%, so I decided to put up with my spare ones that I didn't think were so flattering, but hey, they worked. Well, yesterday, while desperately trying to get to work on time, I tripped on the curb and while catching myself my bag flew off my shoulder and my (spare) glasses, the only thing that actually fell out of my bag mind you, hit the pavement which caused a HUGE scratch. I brought them to the optomologist and they decided that they can't be saved. So wether I liked it or not, I had to buy a new pair of glasses that won't arrive until, atleast Thursday. Even if I wanted to go to Bible Study tonight, it's not like I could have been prepared because I can't even fathom reading that long with my eyes the way they are right now.

So are you saying to yourself, Gosh Em, this really a lot to do about nothing?? I don't blame you, personally I feel like a cat just chasing her tail! Look on the bright side though, I am so busy that even if I wanted to worry about the state of my parents health, I don't have the time. But, thank you for loving me enough that even when I ramble on and on, you still come back for more!

I am not quite sure how well I did today or if my being at work was even worth my salary, but I got through regardless. The most popular question that is being asked of me is how I am feeling, of course coming from my very well meaning friends. The best way I could possibly respond is that I feel like I am living in a snowglobe right now that someone just shook up. I am waiting for it to all settle back down again. I went through the day as if I was walking in a fog, everything just seemed off by just a small percentage. So I did what any other typical princess would do when handed down a terrible discovery ~~ I sent myself to the Spa for the evening! After a full body massage with Jasmine massage oil, I decided to treat myself more and had my brows done and a manicure! I might be a sad little one, but atleast I look pretty. What I found interesting was that during my massage, I kept thinking back to the theory of Thought Field Therapy (a.ka. Tapping) and how when one brings themselves mentally to the point of their anxiety you tap on different spots of your body releases the anxiety and ultimately allowing you to function normally once again. So I decided that maybe Dr. Callahan could be onto something, while most would push away the anxieties of the world during their hour on the table, I decided to take all the mess that I have been internalizing this week, from my Dad to my past, and bring myself to that point of anxiety. As a result tonight I feel very relaxed, sad, but not anxious, we'll just have to wait and see if I'll be writing a thesis soon! I am looking forward to getting through tomorrow. I feel as though I had prepared myself for September 23, not the 2 day earlier surprise. I have told myself that tomorrow I am going to give myself a break from all that is breaking my heart right now (wish me luck Bari!). But, while going through this time, I am quietly reminded that I have so many on my side who are whispering prayers for me, prayers that I so selfishly requested not to receive. That was wrong of me, thank you Mary Ann for loving me enough to remind me that by asking this I am taking away from others the only one thing they know what to give.

Well, we got the news back 2 days earlier than expected. I was all prepared for Thursday, September 23, but I just got a sucker punch and got the news today. The results came in and my father does have the Mantle Cells, 3-5 year prognosis. I am totally devastated and slowly becoming numb, which right now is the best approach so that I can deal with life. I just can't believe it. I guess I will update this when the shock wears off.

This week has been tough, plain and simply stated. Just the thought of loosing my father to this illness is just devastating to me. I can only imagine what my father is going through as he is the one living with this. His biopsy Wednesday went with out any problems, so that is one hurdle that we have gotten over. Now is the awful waiting part which won't end until September 23 ~ it will be a long long week, I am so scared! Ironically, my director is going to be walking along the Boston Marathon for the Jimmy Fund for cancer research. If any of you are wondering what you can do, here is your chance to support a great cause and help find a cure so no one else has to experience this. To support my director go to the Jimmy Fund website. This link should bring you directly to her fundraising page, her name is *****. But if it doesn't bring you there, click on the link that says "Support a Walker", you should see a box prompting you to enter the Participants name, put *****, then click search. You will then see below another dialogue box with ***** name inside of it ~ click on her name, the rest you should be able to walk through yourself. If you would like, you can make the donation in honor of my father, ***** and my dear friend, Ms. Cindy VanAnterwerp, who lost her battle with cancer 12/2003 ~ this is what I have done! Hurry though, the walk is this Sunday so don't forget!

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I just got off the phone with my Dad and I will tell you, I feel a heck of a lot better about this than I did last week. He put things in a good perspective, we don't know anything, so I need to stop dwelling on the worst. He says the prognosis goes 3 years ~ 10 years ~ 20 years, we will know for sure which one in a week, Russian Roulette in some ways, huh? I guess I am prepared for the worst case scenoria, I think it is the best I can do but in the back of my mind I am obvioulsy hoping for the 20 years. Seeing my Dad in his role as Pop-pop to my nieces and nephews makes me look forward to having my own child and see them enjoy this relationship as well. I have only known 1 of my grandparents, my Granny whom I adore but I want my kids to be able to have memories of both my parents and be able to appreciate them the way that I do. But, again, I can't and won't dwell on the worst. Chin up, Stiff upper lip!

On Thursday I received very disturbing news from my father. As many of you know, or don't know, he has Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and has been doing fairly well since diagnosed in 2001. However, it turns out that his health has taken a turn for the worse. We will know exactly on September 23rd the results of next Wednesday's biopsy ~ either he has mantle cell or group b cell lymphoma. Mantle cell has no treatment and his life expectancy would be 3-5 years. Group B cell would result in aggressive chemo. To make matters worse, he had a colonoscopy which showed a lesion, cancerous of course. They will try chemo on it, but if it doesn't respond they will have to do surgery.

So, I am devastated to say the least.

I am back in New York after a wonderful couple of days at home. Well, I've been back for 2 days but am finally getting a chance to blog. And yes, I am doing this at work! It has been so busy as of late that I have to use it as a time for a quick break! My weekend was just fabulous! I arrived in BWI around 9'ish Thursday evening to nice warm D.C. humidity ~ most complain profusely about it, but for me I welcome the warmth. Mom came and picked me up and we enjoyed the 1 hour drive to Northern Va chit chatting and catching up. I didn't actually get to the house until 10:30 pm where my oldest sister Jenn was awake waiting for us. It was great, Jenn and I stayed up until 2:30 am having much needed girl talk. Wow! I am still learning to show people the other side of me, you know, not just the "My life is going perfectly smooth" side but also the "I am really struggling here" side. I am always pleasantly reminded that if I just open up I would learn that others have been in my shoes and won't see me as weak. It turns out that everything that I am dealing with in my still new marriage, Jenn has experienced and learned how to move beyond. And, of course, I must remember that just because you go to someone with a major issue, they are not going to assume that you are in some downward spiral in your life, but rather (surprise, suprise) that you are in a confusing season! I guess I have always wanted to be the one that no one has to worry about so I have learned to paint this picture of serenity when in reality I am usually about to "burst my buds of calms, and blossoms into hysteria"! Thanks Jenn!

Friday was very relaxing, Jenn and I woke up late and Mom enjoyed being Grandmama for the morning! Against Jenn and Mom's will, we all sat at the kitchen table and just talked and talked. This makes both of them extremely uncomfortable ~ they both have this fixation that you MUST always be accomplishing something. Well, we were accomplishing something, spending time with family! Later that afternoon the zoo began, first with Tom flying in for the weekend, then the arrival of the Smith family. We always joke that when all the kids are together that it looks like daycare ~ but with "un-institutionalized" kids! Later that evening we sat down to a scrumptious dinner made by my Mom who is honestly the best cook I have ever known. The whole evening was great, all about the Family.

Saturday turned out to be a winner also! Our Cameron Run (a.k.a. the July Jubilee) tradition was almost broken by the poor weather in July. But, God was smiling down on us and gave us great weather. The day started out cloudy and cool, but the afternoon proved to be a success by the lovely sunburn on my stomach, legs and neck! The kids had a blast and the adults followed right behind. The park was unusually empty which we weren't complaining about, it was much easier to track down 6 kids. That evening my sweet sweet Melissa came over and joined us for dinner and the rest of the typical evening chaos.

Sunday surprisingly turned out to be a successful shopping day for Mom, Liz and I. Jenn and her crew left around noon to return to Cleveland ~ only an hour later did she track us down shopping already! Macy's had a terrific clearance sale ~ 6.99 specials plus 15% off with Mom's Credit Card (we have to pay her back, of course). Ahh, it's what us girls do best together.

By Monday, Mom was able to ship out the Smith Crew and then there were two! Well, as if we didn't do enough shopping Sunday, Mom and I headed to the other side of town, Woodbridge, and picked through the clearance racks at Nordstrom Rack only after cleaning up the house after the hurricane of people!

It is always the hardest part of my trips, the day I know I have to say goodbye. I count down the hours all day of how much longer I have to be home. I get this horrible knot in my stomach as we drive to the airport and I check in. But, Mom and I are becoming quite seasoned on doing this. She always walks me in, brings me to security and we make small talk just trying to avoid the inevitable. But, the time slowly creeps up on us and we both just fight back the tears, hug and plan the next time we can be together again. By the time I am through security, my mind is relaxed, the hard part is over, and I begin to mentally return to my life here in New York. Knowing that on the other end of security, there is a man waiting for me who loves me more than life itself. How ironic is that ~ two sides of security, literally and figuratively! I love my life though, but do miss my mom knowing that Jesus loves her more than I do so I know she will alright. He will provide a life for her and provide her joy while her babies are gone and bring us all back together again.