Thursday, August 14, 2008


It's 1 a.m. and I sit here unable to sleep thanks to my newly clingier 6 month old who decided at 11:30 p.m. that she wanted me. It's now almost 2 hours later and she hasn't given in to sleep. Instead she goes from sitting up in her crib, gripping the rails waiting for me, to licking her lovies in her crib while she considers going to sleep.

Sleep. It's the one thing I can't do when my girls are awake in the middle of the night. I somehow get a sharp ear and even when I try to fall back to sleep I hear their every move. It's just not worth laying there. By the time they fall back to sleep I'm so uncomfortable from tossing and turning that now I can't go back to sleep. Instead I get up, sit in the kitchen with my laptop and the glow from the monitor watching Rosemary. I won't go in as I want her to learn to put herself back to sleep, but I will watch to make sure she's okay. It's the compromise I'm willing to give on some nights.

But being awake at now 1:15 a.m. comes with it's downfalls as I sit here making list after list in my head of all the things I need to do to feel caught back up. Ever since Pam's death I've been quickly slipping away from my comfort zone of organization. No matter how much I've tried I haven't seemed successful in doing the things necessary to make me feel like this place is in tip top shape, the way I like it. I'm just getting by each week with the bigger things while those little things just pile up. Those little things are becoming bigger things and all I want to do is pause time, make everything stop expect for me so I can get them done. Actually, I would much prefer to rewind time to that day in June when we lost Pam and have a redo of that day then she'd still be here and we all would be better, this would just be some horrible dream that we'd wake up from.

D and I were going to find a new church this summer. We want Camille in church, regardless of our view on the church, we want the girls to be raised in it, how hypocritical is that? We haven't gone to church since the Sunday before our trip to visit my Dad in early May. Every other weekend we've traveled since then and neither of us have been able to muster up the energy to go. I don't like new people and new churches. They make you talk and introduce yourself and seriously, why bother with all that chit chat if I'm not going to be coming back.

There's that song that says "He gives and takes heart will choose to stay". These past two August have been challenging for me. God has really been doing some work in my life, I don't like it, but apparently He thinks I need it, I disagree. My sister says our family has a black cloud over it and that God has it out for us. I can't view it that way. Instead I just have to believe He's doing a great work in our life and if we hang on tight enough, we'll be able to see the fruits of it. I have to believe because if I don't I think I'd become a bitter and angry person and turn from God. I don't want to do that. If there is one thing that has always held true for me, no matter where I was in life, right or wrong, my faith in God has always been strong. I didn't say my faith in the church or my faith in people, but my faith in God only and that is what always carries me through.

Right now I am feeling mentally drained. Of course I feel like a big cry baby when I say that because if I'm feeling this way, I don't even want to imagine how my father is feeling. Sometimes I feel like I have no right to complain about my pain with Pam being gone and all that it brought me when he's sitting there alone without his best friend.

This is a strange journey I am on but I'm hopeful, like I've always been when tragedy and strife hit, I'm hopeful and I hold on tighter to my faith because it's always the one thing I can trust I will have left when it's all said and done.

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