If anyone would ask me what it was that made me fall in with D, I would immediately tell them it was his mind and the sound of his voice when he spoke; the words that came out of his mouth have always been like a symphony to me. I do love the sound of his voice and sometimes that competes with the love I have for the way his mind works.
We met when were just teenagers; I was 17, he was 16 and he wasn't like any other boy that I had ever met before then. He had actual thoughts that provoked 3 am discussions that would only be ended by the a looming alarm that was about to go off in just 5 short hours. I never found any other boy in high school as attractive as I found D. They couldn't think or utter a thought that would compare to D. We clicked the moment we met and you would find us driving around many Friday nights just listening to music and talking after abandoning the friends we were supposed to be spending time with. We found them quite annoying and obnoxious, we found comfort and compatibility in each other. Throughout college we dated others and would complain how neither of our choices compared to the intellectual stimulation we received from each other. Granted, we don't have similar interest all the time, but we find each others distinct likes something to admire. So it was not a shock, those early days in October 2000 that finally vocalized what we were afraid to admit out of fear of a fracture friendship our love for each other. I can't imagine my life without him and I know, with out a shadow of a doubt, that if anything ever happened to him, I would not be complete again. There is just not any other man that would be my perfect equal as D is.
For these reason, for all these things, I ache and pain for my father. Pam was his perfect equal. My Mom, as amazing loving and kind as she is, was not his equal and he not hers. But Pam, she understood him and accepted his quirks because she too had amazingly strange quirks also. I understand his pain and hurts because, putting myself in his shoes, I know how it feels to just not click with any other human being as you do your spouse. You realize what a rare commodity it is to, being off the bell shaped curve, to find someone who's hanging out there right with you.
My Dad is lost, he just doesn't know which way to turn and I can't do a damn thing to make that better for him. I can't fix it. I can't be to him what Pam was. My friendship does absolutely nothing for him because I can't be there at 5:18 pm on a random Tuesday when he has a question about a plant and turns and she's not there to answer. I can't be there at 5:18 pm on a that random Tuesday to hug him when he realizes shes just not there anymore. I can't do anything for him and that hurts because I to am a strange bird who has found her perfect match and know how absolutely lost I would be without my D.
He needs her back. He needs her to just come back and she isn't coming back. She's gone and she left him alone and I can't ease his pain.