I've got so many topics and things to say running through my mind right now that I wouldn't know where to stop. Since I've stopped watching those damn stats my blogging has changed for me in a good, wonderful way. I feel like I'm finally back to where I started and trust me, I don't want to turn back. But one downside to not watching the stats is that I sorta forget that this blog thing here actually exists and that lo behold some of you actually are still reading and I'm not writing! Now I have a back log of thoughts that jump around in my head and if I wrote like I think it wouldn't amount to that much of a coherent post. I've considered doing a number list but that is so played out and much to organized even for me Ms. OCD of organization. These thoughts aren't organized in my mind, they just go from A to Z and jump with a handful of confusion in the middle.
I do know this though: This year I did not go to Florida and holy hell can I feel that seasonal depression taking it's nasty claw and digging under my skin. I need SUN. I need Vitamin D. I need $400 of extra money laying around so I can buy a plane ticket.
When I get depressed I get tired and as much as I would love to just attribute my exhaustion on depression, D and the parental question it could be something else which I normally would disagree with but after going to the doctor last week (yes yes, I gave up and went...that's another tangent) it was discovered that, yes, indeed I have lost weight. I knew I had lost some weight because absolutely no jeans are fitting but what I didn't know was how low my weight has dipped. I stood shocked as the nurse moved the metal thingy on the scale into the 140's, I haven't seen a 1 and 4 together in my weight since high school. That means I'm at least 15 pounds lighter than I was pre-Camille. I wish I could say that I'm worried or upset but I'm the complete opposite, I'm thrilled and don't want to see the 150's creep back up but I know that it needs to. I'm not that obsessed. But I do wonder if that is the reason for the exhaustion.
I don't have much in my life to depress me right now. I just told D a few weeks ago how happy I was with my life, and I am happy. Maybe I just don't feel uppity though, but I realize how incredibly blessed I am. But when I do get in this type of funk I start to become hypersensitive and the things that I thought I put to rest just creep their ugly little heads back up. Like the two friendships that ended in my life recently. That has started to creep back up and no matter how much I try to shove it back into it's place it refuses to stay there.
I haven't talked about this here because as I was watching my stats like a hawk I was so nervous people who are involved in this huge mess might be reading and...GASP....find out that I was upset. And CRAP if they found out that I was upset they might get mad and me and find out that I'm really upset. But now I don't look at the stats so I don't care who's reading and I don't know who's reading so now I can say it.
Two friendships ended because of my site. Two people now refuse to be a apart of my life because of things that I expressed. And while they might be perfectly okay with this, I am not okay and I'm hurt still and I wish that I could stop caring. I pray for them everyday and worry about them still. I wish I wasn't like this. I want to be a damn brusher not a wearer but I wear with no pride.
Last night I went to a crafty thing way up North. The drive was relaxing and well needed but the event was held right around the corner from said friend who does not wish to speak to me. It hurt and it made very sad but there is nothing I can do about these situations except write about them here and let them go. So that is what I'm going to try for now.
See, we go from A to Z with a lot of confusion in the middle.