Thursday, November 02, 2006

Fulfilling Observation

While still very pregnant with Camille, I would sit on Saturday mornings on the love seat by the window sipping my coffee and taking nice cleansing breaths as if the day was made just for me. It was relaxing and quiet. D and I would spend what felt like hours just sitting there with each other sometimes chatting and sometimes in complete silence. This was our Saturday morning tradition that at the time I mourned how it would end.

That was the one thing I feared the most about becoming a Mom, the fear of loosing myself so completely that I wouldn't feel happy anymore. I knew I would love this child that I had wanted so badly but what I was not sure about was if I would resent her for stealing my quiet life. As that thought raced around in my head, I would immediately ask myself just happy was I. Did I really enjoy these lazy days as much as I thought I did or would a little change of pace be a good thing? How that still small voice has always lead me to where I need to go because now, these 10 months later, I can't imagine how I was happy in that time. I am sure there was a point that the complete laziness was fulfilling, but I can only assume that your mind can only stay there for a season, and for some, there is a calling that says it's time to move on. I do remember in those months feeling antsy, as if I was just wasting away. As much as I feared I would miss these nothing days, I knew somewhere deep within that it was time to say goodbye and move on.

The other day as I stayed home to work on housework, something that got neglected last week with all the running around for the house, I realized how fulfilled I really am. How domestic I've become and how much I love the feeling of it. It wraps itself around me like a glove and I don't want it any other way. I thought how odd that is for me because I could have bet that this would be more of a fight than a pleasure. I only knew work and working outside of the home. I had worked since I was 17 and did so for 13 years straight sometimes holding 3 jobs at one time. I always had money and was very independent. However, in all my 13 years of employment and all my many jobs and internships, I've never been more commitment and hard working than I am now. Nor have I been as busy.

But, you know what? I wouldn't go back for all the money in the world. I realized that day how fulfilled I feel in this role, a role that has taken me by surprise.

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