Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Little Eggs


That is how I have found myself these past couple of days. It is not as if I don't have anything to write about or say, it's quite the opposite, there are many things that would be considered interesting topics. But what it takes to keep myself from slipping into that oh so comfortable black hole of depression is a enormous amount of strength that leaves me empty and unable to give to anyone else at this moment. That is why I find myself stumped and unable to communicate be it through any type of mode of communication. This is how it always is for me when under pressure. I clam up. Any pearls of wisdom or thoughts stay tightly closed within for no one to hear or read. It is not a conscience decision that I make, it is a natural occurrence. It seems when things begin to get off balanced in my life I breathe in a huge breath and loose the ability to exhale until things go back to perfect harmony, well, maybe not perfect. At this point I'll take mediocre harmony if it means that predictability comes along with it.

But I'm not stressed. I'm not mad or upset. I am in perfect peace, for this moment I feel, well, I guess I feel okay. Nothing has changed. No silver lining has miraculously appeared nor has there been any writing on the wall. Sometimes I wish I was Solomon. But still I feel calm, for this moment. I guess my faith did step up to the plate and has reminded me of the times in my life where God did just come through. He has never just left me and walked away. I've always been cared for and if I'm going to proclaim that I'm any kind of Christian this is where I put my money where my mouth is and be still. I am still, today. Tomorrow? Well, tomorrow I could be back to a pile of tears but now I am okay and holding on to what I know.

This week D has an interview and I'm putting all my little eggs in that one basket and trusting that this where God wants us. I'm not wavering from that and maybe I'll be horribly disappointed but at least I've lived these last few days disillusioned. At least they've been a good couple of days.

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