I have found it quite difficult to write these past 48 hours as my emotions tend to vacillate greatly. One moment I'm calm and okay and then the next moment I totally freak out. I go from panic to peace, tears to laughter. I can't seem to decide on the mood. I'll write a post and publish it and then just moments later erase it but never in time for no one to actually read it. I am sure there are some very confused readers out there. They come one minute and there's a post full of panic and fires and then they come back a little later and it's vanished.
But that is just where I am right now. I feel like an emotional see-saw.
The last time I felt this uneasy was during my Mom's encounter with Cancer. I remember feeling so helpless. During the whole ordeal I couldn't shake this horrible feeling of desperation. How I so badly wanted to go to sleep and wake up the next morning and it be all over with. I do that now. I sleep so peacefully and even find myself in those early moments of waking very calm. But once my eyes open I am reminded of the situation and all I want to do is close them and go back to sleep where in my dreams, things are normal, whatever normal is.
The week leading up to my Mom's surgery I was consumed with unruly fear. I had all these worst case scenario's running through my mind. The doctors were unable to actually stage her cancer without surgery so we would not know how far it had spread until they actually went in and performed a hysterectomy. If it was a Stage II she would need Chemo and Radiation. If it was a Stage I she was pretty safe and would only need time to heal. I was fully prepared for Stage II and worse. I had just learned of a woman where I worked who had died during a hysterectomy. I knew my Mom had hemorrhaged during birthing me so the notion of her bleeding out was planted in my worrisome mind. Right now I'm dealing with the worst case scenario's. I'm back to that place I was almost two years ago where that worst case just grabs at all my emotions and rationality. This is the place of uncertainty where your faith is just pushed to it's limits. You want a Stage I but you fear with all your might that it will be a Stage II and you begin falling into Safe Mode because you don't want to be caught unprepared for the worst.
My Mom's cancer is now gone. By the grace of God it was only a Stage I and all that worrying that I had done was for nothing. The weeks following her hysterectomy were very difficult as I had to watch my Mom in excrutiating pain as her body began healing. But we made it through, as a team, my sister's, Granny, Mom and I. We all stuck together and pulled my Mom through.
I need that outcome again.
I need for God to answer our prayers quickly, even if it is last minute.
I need my faith to not let me down.