Thursday, May 25, 2006

Counting on it

Last night, I perused the aisles aimlessly during my escape to Target. For me it's therapy to walk up and down those aisles, all by myself, no baby to rush me out for an afternoon nap. No husband to rush me out by his "I am really getting bored" stance. Just me and the aisles filled with keepsakes reminding all that Fathers day is just around the corner, lest you forget. From the colorful display of electrics to the touching collection of fathers day books, which instantly caught me eye.

I considered writing a post about the emotions that bubbled up while reading through some of these quotes on fatherhood but that quickly disappeared as I rushed home realizing I had 5 minutes left to see the finale of American Idol, I didn't need to watch the other 115 minutes, just tell me the who the winner is. I completely forgot about the emotions that were conjured up until this morning as I routinely went down my blog list and landed on one of my new favorites where Mel so eloquently shared her feelings on Marriage and divorce.

First, let me say, I am sure I will do something that will land Camille into therapy in twenty years, if not sooner. Maybe it will be my knack for making up songs about my cat, or possibly my ability to get amused by her crying. I can't help it, she just looks so darn cute when she cries. As parents, we are not perfect, we pass our flaws down to our kids. I love my parents very much. I know that they never intentionally meant to cause me any pain or heartache, so let that be said.

My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. This was a momentous event in my life. I can still remember that exact moment when my mom broke the news to us. We were on Backlick Road, in Springfield on our way to school. We were driving a rental car as my Mom had just been in an accident. I was in the front seat, the interior was Burgundy. My Mom said, and I quote:

"You know how A and B's parents aren't married anymore? Well, your Dad and I are getting divorced"

I remember, deep inside I was relieved. I was excited. I loved adventure, even at a young age and I was looking forward to moving. To a new house. To new friends. I wish I knew then, at that moment exactly what my future would hold, I would've at least been a little more prepared. I won't say that the divorce ruined me. But I can say that it changed who I was, it molded me into a person I might now have had to be if not raised in that situation.

As an adult I had promised myself that I would not bring a child into the type of situation I was brought up in. If it meant never getting married, so be it. There was so much that I missed. I can remember as a little girl so badly wanting my Dad. Wanting to be like the other little girls in school, when at school plays walk out of the building holding their Dads hand. I wanted to be a Daddy's Girl. I wanted that so badly but it's hard to have that when your parents lived in different states and can't be trusted in the same room together. It's hard to do that when your parents aren't even better off divorced, but would have been better off not even meeting each other. It always hurt. A lot.

And now I have a daughter. A daughter who will want to be a Daddy's Girl. A daughter who is a Daddy's Girl and that just brings the biggest tears to my eyes. There is one thing that I have done right, no, make that perfect in my life and that is choosing my mate, my partner, my husband. I could not have chosen a more perfect Dad for my little girl. Camille will grow up being the light in his eye. She will always have her Daddy to walk her out of school plays holding her hand. And it will be up to me to make sure that we never like in different states. It will be up to me to make sure that we can be trusted in the same room together.

Marriage is hard. Marriage is about giving and taking. Sometimes, the giving is more than the taking. I am committed to my marriage not only because D is my best friend and I don't want to hurt him but more because I have a little girl that's counting on it. She's counting on us to give her stability and security. She's counting on us to not give up and I won't.

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