Thursday, April 13, 2006

Mixed Bag

The day I've been dreading has finally arrived: My milk supply has come to a screeching halt. We've gone from a steady stream to a slow trickle. Where we were getting 26 oz. a day, I feel lucky to get 21 oz. now. Of course the fact that I am not proving the lactation idiots wrong is a big annoyance also.

When I think about not pumping anymore, initially a wave of freedom washes over me. My body to return to normal? Wearing normal bra's? Not being attached to a pump 4-5 times a day? I become giddy, excited, I can't hardly wait.

But then, it actually hits me: My daughter would be exclusively on formula. Her growth would have nothing to do with me but rather Nestle Good Start. I guess emotionally I'm not ready for Nestle to get the credit. I feel very sad about the impending feeding future. I thought I'd be happier about this. But instead I feel like a mixed bag of emotions as I blindly reach for how I'm supposed to feel about all of this. It's bad enough that my baby is no longer a little newborn but rather a definite infant. Although she has not surpassed her cousin in the rolling section of her development, she is definitely acting like an almost 4 month old and then some already. I wish that I can will the supply back like I willed this pregnancy to sustain this time last year. I must have to just get used to this letting and moving part of parenting even if I don't like it.

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