Blinked

When my sister had her first child, someone told her to "not blink" because time will past by so fast. Jenn shared this sentiment with me a couple days back as I commented how big Camille was getting and how I couldn't believe she would be turning 1 month old soon. Well, that day has come and gone (yesterday to be exact) and I feel like I didn't listen to that solid advice, I blinked and now she is a month old, no longer just mere weeks old. I know now that the rest of her life will just fly by and before I know it, I will be walking her through all the schooling milestones: first day of preschool, then kindergarten, junior high and finally graduation. Yes, these things I think about now as I gaze at my quickly growing daughter who now recognizes my voice, my face, my scent and coo's and giggles in response to all three. Motherhood to this point has not been easy, of course whoever said it would be. In the beginning, at least for the first two weeks of this new endeavors I began to believe that I wasn't going to be able to do this. That this task I had taken on was over my head and I might have bitten off more than I could choose. To be completely honest with you, I began to worry about myself and wonder if I was becoming a unfortunate victim of post-partum depression. The best advice I received was from an "internet friend" of my mine who shared with me her mantra which I would quickly adopt as my own: "It will get easier" and that it did.

There are still days that this one month old can bring me to tears out of sheer frustration due to lack of sleep for both parties involved. There are days where I exclaim "I'm selling the baby to the baby factory" after what seems to be hours of screaming because I merely put her down so I could brush my teeth (the hours of screaming add up to be only 15 minutes of screaming but when you live in a 2 bedroom apartment it feels like hours). Although I am not known to be punctual before the baby, I now don't even come close to even being just 10 minutes late for an event due to the loads of preparation it takes to get this tiny version of myself out the door. There are still days I wonder if I'd be happier if I went back to work and let a hired professional deal with such things.

But then, there are days like today when Camille is tired and cranky and screaming hysterically. She isn't hungry or needing to be burped and there is nothing her Aunt or Grandmama can do to calm her down. It is only when I cradle her in my arms, run to a quiet corner and begin to sing softly to her the same lullaby that I sang as I carried her inside of me that she quickly calms down and gazes in my eyes and drifts to sleep. It is moments like these when I feel so powerful and undefeated. When it is only me that has comforted this child. I need these moments to comfort me, to make up for the times when I feel like I am doing this all wrong. She is beginning to take over my heart, something that did not happened the instant she was born and that is okay because life is not like the movies. Sometimes new moms get depressed, sometimes new moms get double pneumonia and true love comes at it's own time.

Then


Now