Monday, October 24, 2005

The Letter

The saying goes "Silence is golden" I suppose it is to mean there is a higher value placed on saying less, rather than saying more. But nowhere does it say how awkward this silence can make you feel, this strange lack of communication that's going on now. Really though it truly is the only way I am knowing how to respond. I don't know how to call you and pretend that you aren't at this point in your life right now. You haven't invited me and as much as I don't want to intrude, I also know that my presence there is not welcomed. You know that I know now, you know that we all know now. But, what you don't know is how. We felt it and heard it in your voice. You never had to speak those words, your tone said all, it always has. We've known for a little over a month that there was this thing brewing in the background that you did not want to share with us. And even on the day I wrote that post there still had been no confirmation, that was all based on our hunch, the mere sound of your voice. We've been in this spot before, many times over and each time, this is how we've known. But this time is different. We are giving you what you want, we aren't going to try to stop you because we know you don't want us to. But along with this gift of sorts comes with consequences. Along with this freedom comes the responsibility that you will need to bare because we all know, regardless of what we say, how hard we cry and beg and plead, in the end you will do what you desire anyway. A wise man once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So no more insanity. We know you don't want to hear us because if you did, you would have asked.

What you don't know, and what you don't realize is how much we love you. You don't know how painful it is for us to watch you go down this slippery slope once again. How each time this happens, we ache and worry and stress over you. How when you do this, there is a link missing in our Sisterhood that makes two of us feel so off balanced without you. As much as I want to run to you and beg for you to come back, I am remembering how you responded when I stood in the line of fire this summer, I remember the words that were shot at me and the pain I felt afterwards. You didn't want me there then and I am sure you don't want me there now because I speak the words you don't want to hear. I know I can't mold you into the person I think you should be. You should have the freedom to do as you please. But along with freewill comes enormous consequence so I hope and pray you are making the right choices.

There is not much more to say for now. You are loved. You are loved so strongly that watching this makes us ache and knowing we can't stop you, that you are on your own route come hell or high water makes us ache even more because of this love we feel for you. But once again I say, with this love comes freedom, the freedom for you to do what you choose and for us to not have to watch. Please make the right decisions and think of the lofty consequences at hand. Please turn to the ones with the stability in their lives that will steer you in the right direction rather than the ones who can barely keep their own feet on the ground. But most of all, when you are open to hear and really listen to the ideas that will only bring you healing, I will be in the wings of this storm waiting.


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