Monday, July 18, 2005

Never Ms. Popular

To my shock and partial dismay, my 10 year high school reunion has seemed to creep itself up already. I received the invite weeks back and am now just deciding to deal with the reality that I have actually been out of high school that long. It's strange how such a small thing can provoke such memories, one's that have not been looked at for some time now. I did consider attending this event, and in all seriousness I was a little disappointed when I realized that I had a obligation already scheduled for that day. But the thought of going did make me a little squirmish. I could just imagine me, going to this event experiencing high school all over again. I would go through the polite hello's and how you doing's but once all that wore out the inevitable would happen. I would stand there, against the wall, drink in hand pretending not to look as uncomfortable and stupid as I would be feeling. The truth of the matter is I was not particularity close with anybody at my high school. There were no invites for after school activities, or party's of any sorts. I would leave on Friday and not see one single classmate again until Monday morning. No real "girl friends" to talk to or hang out with and the annual dress up thingy's where each girl had a boy ever looked my way. I guess you can say I was an outcast but in their defense, outcasted politely. No one was ever rude or mean to me. They were actually always quite kind but it was clear, loud and clear, I was an outcast. To be perfectly honest, it wasn't at any fault of their own. That is what could be expected when you attend a very small private school, a Southern Baptist private school where everyone has been together since Kindergarten and trying to fit in at my Sophmore year was a task far harder than it seemed. I didn't have the history that everyone else had and plus I was different. Everything about me screamed different. For starters, I came to the school after attending Public school for 4 years. After my freshman year ended, I told my mom in no uncertain terms would not be returning for my sophmore year. I hated it. The only thing that kept me sane was having my older sister there with me but then she graduated and the thought of dealing with another year of complete idiots all by myself was just not going to happen. See, I didn't even fit in at the public school and how did I now expect to fit in at a Southern Baptist High School? I found the kids in my public school obnoxious. To me they were all these sex craved adolescents obsessed with their looks. That wasn't really me. I wasn't impressed with the football players hurling sexual advances at me. Nor was I too impressed when the most popular girl at school would say hi to me. I just didn't care because I realized that there was much more to life than hooking up with the star football player and being bbf's with Ms. Popular. I was to busy absorbing myself with literature and the life of Gilda Radner. Yes, I guess I was a geek, a nerd...whatever you want to call me. So when I made this statement to my mom she was quite taken back. She didn't have the money to send me so she figured telling me I would have to pay for it myself would make me change my mind. Silly woman, she should have known better. I went out, got myself a job and come August I had half of the tuition sitting in my bank account.

I never expected to be Ms. Popular now, nor did I expect to be on the top list of girls that the boys wanted to date. I did at least want to find people with whom I could connect with. I am not quite sure why that plan back fired on me exactly. I really tried to be everything that the encompassed the good Southern Baptist girl, even when it went against every grain in my body. Maybe the fact that I just learned to keep my thoughts contained rather than share them out of risk of seeming more of an outsider gave the impression that I was stuck up? I just never could come up with one solid answer. I was reassured that I was not Ms. Popular on the day of graduation when the Valedictorian of our class (which consisted of just handful of students) went through each name of each classmate and used an adjective to describe them. If you know me well, you can imagine my confusion when the words quiet and shy where used to describe me. I can still remember my family members completely puzzled faces afterwards as my mom remarked "Wow! They really didn't know you well".

I don't hold a grudge against any of my classmates though. It was what it was and I accomplished what I had set out to do: Get through high school with out going completely insane. I realized I wasn't going to fit in wherever I went, it was just the nature of the beast. But I know that God truly knew exactly what he was doing. See, if I had never decided to attend private school I would have never gotten that job to pay the tuition and if your memory serves you right, it was at that job where I met my sweet D. He had always been my perfect fit. He too felt the same way I did about our peers. We were always light years ahead of ourselves and found our peers more of a nuisance than anything else. We made each other feel normal and that was better than what popularity could ever have brought.

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