The phone has slowly become my arch-rival these past couple of days thanks to the overwhelming feeling of vomiting while on the phone. Since I don't think many of my family and friends members would appreciate this, I have boycotted the phone. I find that come evening the nausea becomes so strong the I am afraid to open my mouth which obviously my husband finds quite relaxing. I am sure he is hoping it will never end. As I sat at my window this morning, as I always do on work days as I force myself to wake up, I realized how it had been days since I had spoken to my circle of phone friendly people. Phone friendly people? Yes, this is the group of people that I speak on the phone with regularly, that when their numbers come up on caller id I pick it up without any force of guilt. Now, people, you must understand, at some point in my life, a switch went off in my head and I began to strongly dislike talking on the phone. I think I can pinpoint it to the days following college. I blame it on joining the work force and having to speak on the phone 8 hours a day. Or maybe I can blame it on a long distance relationship where a large portion of the work was done via the phone. Either way, there is no feeling of joy when my phone rings anymore, it was stripped from me. Now I know, there are some of you who are reading this who are thinking that now each time you call and I don't answer it is because you have not been put in the circle of phone friendly people. Think about, if I know you read this site, do you really think I would share this dark little secret if you weren't part of the circle? Obviously you are, because the people who aren't, I would never admit it to! So, as I sat at my window this morning, I was going through the list of people I have not called. I put them into two categories: People I haven't called and I want to talk to and People I haven't called and am feeling forced to talk to. In the first group, that would include my sister Liz, my Granny, and my friend Melissa. These people I want to call. These people I feel terrible that I haven't spoken to and when one of them called me this weekend I was on the verge of vomiting so I didn't want her to have to hear me in such a condition (you know who you are and you I know love you!). Now, the second group is a very touchy subject as I will definitely being pissing a parental figure off. But, this is my site and I must get this off my chest (which is growing each and every day mind you). I will not mention any names as I am mysterious and tricky. But here is the thing about this group of people. It is not like I don't care about this group, I do, sometimes. It is just that it takes a lot of energy that I tend not to have these days to carry on a conversation with them. Maybe it's because I don't like you but am afraid to tell you. Maybe it's because although I love sitting back hearing about your life and find that fascinating, I don't really feel like reciprocating and telling you about mine because I have just talked to much that day. If the phone call could just be one sided, you talk, I listen, maybe I would be eager to call you. Or maybe it's because I hold a grudge against you that I don't want to let go of because it's the only way that I can feel just a little control over the situation.
(Warning: Here's the part where I tick off parental figures).
You must dig a little into my past to appreciate this frustration and internal argument that occurs within. As a child, I was tormented and picked on by certain family members. These people were nasty to me. They had the ability to make me feel inadequate and that my sheer existence was pathetic. If you could look into my 12 year old mind, it would say that these people caused me tell myself the following things: I am ugly, I have ugly clothes which make me look even uglier, I am an outcast. The list could go on, but I think you get the idea of how cruel kids can make innocent kids feel worthless especially when the adults that you trust are not defending you. I always felt like the one person in life who should be backing me up, stepping up to the plate and fighting for their flesh and blood let me down. Just recently I said to this person how these individuals always think that they are better than me as if we had been in a competition and their response was "They do!" almost as if to say that it is acceptable for people to feel that way about your daughter. Here is the thing: It's not acceptable. I could give a damn if they are your nieces or nephews, your own flesh and blood comes first. I love my nieces and nephews as if they are my own. But I am pretty sure that if any of them made my child feel the way that these people made me feel, I would not tolerate it one bit. I will always be on my child's side even if it means standing against my precious nieces and nephews. I didn't get that respect and still don't. As an adult, after having to fight these people on my own for my entire childhood, I don't have a desire to make nice with them now. I hold resentment towards them because I have always felt that they own a piece my parent's heart that they don't deserve. And now, I am to play nice. I am to act as if we are equals, that we are the same. I am even to accept the belief that I have a lot in common with these people. Why? Because we are all married and pregnant? Just because we all have the ability to get pregnant doesn't mean that we are now equals. Did anyone realize that I took a completely different path to get to this point in my life? I don't want the playing field to be level because we played the game differently. As they were investing money into putting collagen into their lips, silicone into their boobs** and getting the fat sucked out of their hips, I was tirelessly working on paying for and obtaining a college degree. As they were moving back in with their parents in between breaking up with their various live in boyfriends I was moving back in with my mom in between college breaks. I have only walked down the aisle once, don't have divorce decrees that I can paper my walls with, and didn't start smoking at 12 only to now have to kick the habit only because I'm pregnant. I am not better than you, you are not better than me. We have lead completely separate lives with completely separate set of choices. Things done in childhood though can scar you into adulthood. I don't know if I can move on, if I want to let go of this grudge that I hold. I don't know if I can call you up and pretend, like certain people believe, that we are so much alike. I keep looking at the above evidence, sort through it and believe that there is nothing left to salvage. It might have been nice that you called. It might have been nice that you now cared. But it's a little too late for that. The fact that we have the ability to get pregnant is all we have common and that just won't make for a long conversation at this point.
P.S. Parental figure, I love you to pieces, but this situation frustrates me to no end. I can't act like I don't feel this way.
** Not saying there is anything wrong with silicone boobs. I plan on purchasing a few after having babies.