Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Times up

Well folks, the verdict is in. The doctor said it would take until late Friday for the blood work to get back, but I guess he saw the tiny ounce of hope left in me and knew I needed to move on. There is not one bit of HcG left in my poor little body. Any mood swing I might have? Can't blame it on the hormones, darnnit. But, it's okay, the news stings just a little but I have no other choice than to move on. Obviously I am terrified about the "what if's" that are running through my mind: What if I try again and miscarry? What if I try for the third time with the assistance of hormones and miscarry? What if I can never sustain a pregnancy and my only hope of becoming a parent is through adoption? What if this dream of carrying a child will never come true? What if's will drive you crazy, even paralyzing if you dwell on them. So, all I can do is keep my mind busy with other things until we can get pregnant again and hope for better luck next time. Even though I am running into other women who have experienced the same thing and got pregnant with #2 immediately, I am still skeptical. I wish I was the eternal optimist. Unfortunately I am the "other shoe will always drop" kind of girl so I guess I will just have to tap into some of your optimism for now, dear precious internet!

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