Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Little help from my friends
I really can't say that this has been the hardest thing that I have had to deal with. I have had an buffet of emotions so far in my life. Trying to find similarities between these feelings and that of another time in my life would be like finding the similarities between Eminem and MWS. These emotions are like those that I have never felt before. They are new and painful and have been hard to find a place to put them. What I have wanted to do is to find a nice dark cocoon to hide in for the remaining portion of my life. I have even considered Samaritan Hospital, I've heard their psych floor is one of the nicest around! What began with grieving the loss of this pregnancy has quickly become annoying to me. It's not moving me forward, it's only keeping me stuck. And who is the best person to speak to when I find myself emotionally stuck? Well, the only person I know who has the ability to look at life through intellectual lenses rather than emotional ones: My dear dad. Although it's midnight in Belgium, where he is visiting his dear friend, he saw that I was online and checked in with me via webcam. He said just the words that I needed to hear (not always the one I want to hear though!). He has this way of speaking through the emotional me, which is super-duper sensitive, and connecting with the intellectual me. I ended the conversation with dad feeling at least a small bit in control again. And at the exact moment when I am sitting on my bed not knowing where to place these remaining emotions the phone rings with just the right person I needed to speak to. She gave me just the right amount of encouragement that I needed to pull myself out of this abyss of potential dismay. Now, being the eternal optimist as this friend is, she and I are still holding out hope for tomorrow. See, I have an 8:30 a.m. doctor's appointment tomorrow to confirm this possible miscarriage, but we're holding out that just maybe they'll find something. Now, don't worry, if they don't, I'm trying again. I won't give up on this dream that I have always had to become a mom. I am going to end here for tonight as this post could end up going on entirely to long. Either way though, you can be guaranteed some pretty darn good reading!