Friday, March 18, 2005

You make the call

It's hard to sit and write any type of update right now mainly because I really have nothing new to say. You know the old saying "Same song, different verse, little louder, little worse"? That is just me right now, I am like a broken record and we all know that people don't like listening to broken records, let alone reading about one! People say I am doing good. My director relayed to my co-worker that I sounded "wonderful" when she spoke to me the other night. Here's a little secret: When you talk to me I will sound "wonderful" because trust me, if I am sitting here crying hysterically I will not be answering the phone nor dialing your phone. It's just not like me. I blame it (because all learned behaviors are never my fault!) on my mom. She always raised me to never, ever air your dirty laundry. And to me dirty laundry can be defined as sounding not so wonderful on the phone. I don't even cry on the phone with my family. It's forbidden in my mind. The only person who I have ever cried on the phone to, cried hysterically and uncontrollably to is Derek, even before we were a couple. And now that we are on this subject of phone calls, I have learned a very valuable lesson through this whole situation. The lesson being how important it is to someone who is going through a tough experience to receive phone calls from those who love them. Knowing the above about me, I too was even a little shocked with this discovery. But each time a call came in, even if I didn't answer because I wasn't feeling wonderful and had the machine pick it up, it made me feel like I was not alone. And each awkward message that my friends would leave, awkward because they just didn't know what to say, made me feel like I had these extra arms under me holding me up at this time when I couldn't stand on my own. This lesson became so real to me this morning when a friend sent me an email with news of her families 3rd loss in 15 months. Typically I would not know what to say so I would say nothing except might had considered sending an email and left it at that. But today I couldn't dial her phone number fast enough. I had to let her know, that although I didn't know what to say that I loved her and her family and I was sorry. Of course, she has been a perfect example of calling admist discomfort. She heard about my dad's cancer, within 5 minutes of reading about it, she hesitation. Now, please, for those of you who have kept up with my site and have not called me, this is not some passive aggressive way to say you should have called, so please don't take it like that. It's simply my realization how important it has become to me that people cared enough, admist their discomfort of not knowing what to say, that they would pick up the phone and take a chance at awkward silence. It has been a good lesson learned for me. For those out there that went through grief and received no support from me, I am terribly sorry. I know how it feels now. Lesson learned well.

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