Monday, March 14, 2005

It's always something

I wish I could type something here that will be filled with good news and precious jewels of wisdom. But honestly dear internet, I've got nothing. No good news and or jewels for you today. Although my bleeding has gone from a steady flow to a trickle, I am still not hopeful that inbetween all the chaos that body has forced on me that this pregnancy survived. I am still here at my Mom's for all of you who are wondering. The doctor says I am not to fly until I can go 24 hours without bleeding. Between you and me, I'm throwing in the towel. I plan on leaving on Tuesday, bleeding or no bleeding. I feel like I am holding out hope for something that my body is clearly telling me is over. What's that saying? It's not over til the fat lady sings? Well, I am pretty sure she is singing, loud and clear but I refuse to remove these covers on my ears to even hear her. All pregnancy symptoms that I excitingly had on Thursday have diminished. Everything. Really, it's just cruel. It's cruel that in the midst of all the sadness and frustration that this family is dealing with we got hit with just a little bit more. Here we thought our loosing streak was over. Here we thought that just maybe, for once, the other shoe would not fall. But it did. It always freakin does. D seems like he is doing wonderfully. At least over the phone. See, this poor guy is still holding out hope. That's what you do when you haven't had disappointment and grief walk side by side with you your ENTIRE freakin life. You hold onto the fairy tale that in the end that Knight in Shining armor will always save everything. Well, in my life the Knight was always a frog with rusted armor who would just croak. Of course there is that little tiny voice, the only part of the optimism that I haven't been able to beat to death that says "Who knows, maybe just because you can't stop bleeding and your boobs went from tender to nothing against medical science you could still be pregnant" Poor little optimism. I then kindly remind him that in the end, he always loses and the worst case scenario always seems to happen. Each and every time. So, call my bluff here body. Prove to me for once in my life that hope is worth holding onto.

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