Friday, March 11, 2005

Fear replaces joy

Just as quickly as the joy set in, complete fear has been replaced. I woke up this morning covered in blood. I just spent 3 hours in the emergency room only to be told "I'm Sorry Mrs. *******, it's a pretty high chance you're going to loose this pregnancy. Don't worry though, it's normal." I'm not suppossed to worry because it happens to 20-25% of all pregnancies. And, my doctor won't even worry until it happens 3 times in a row.

So, have I miscarried? Noone knows. The bad news is my blood levels are at an 8, that is very low. Home pregnancy test detect the HcG hormones at a 5-10 level. Mine could be low because they are dropping. Mine could also be low because I'm so early. I am supposed to just bleed, watch and retest my levels on Monday. They could come back higher than 8 or come back with no sign of the hormone which means I miscarried. The good news? Well, if you can use the term "good" for any of this, is that my cervic is long and closed. That means my symptoms are being classified as a threatened miscarriage. I've got a 50/50 chance here. Also, I have no cramping or pain which is associated with a miscarriage. Good news, huh?

I am sad. I am petrified, so much so, that while they did the exam I was shaking so badly that my mom had to hold down my legs so I wouldn't jump off the table. I had no control over them, no matter how much a I tried.

Hold me up dear internet. I feel like falling right now.

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