Painlessly

Rainy Mondays are my favorite.

Rainy Mornings, sipping coffee, listening to the pitter patter of it on my windows, it calls for me to have a relaxed day.

Rainy Afternoons, after we've finished the days activities, it calls for a cup of coffee next to my favorite window with my favorite cat.

Rainy evenings, to sit with the window open, sun down next to my favorite little people and favorite big person.

Stretching, growing, learning.

I thought I was done with all of that. It surely can't keep going into adulthood but I know that who I was 5 years ago isn't the same person I am today. And that journey of constant maturing hasn't come without it's pains. Stretching yourself is never quite the most comfortable experience. I keep maturing though, mid 30's and it feels strange to say that but it is strange how it happens.

Regardless, here I am. Pride aside admitting that I'm still growing & learning.

This month is hard. No physical limits of stretching & pain. How badly I want that right now, to rub my full belly with the anticipation of new life. It feels everywhere I look, others are where I should be. My stretching & pain comes from within, empty uterus instead. But, before I give into the self pity (see, I said maturing) I remember I do have a full heart. And rather than let this sad reminder of what isn't, I will focus on what it is. The two little lives sitting right beside me and that amazing man who had a part in creating them.

These past few months could have been enough to put me in, to have that padded cell freely handed to me. But I stretched & I grew & I chose to shift my focus that this loss wasn't just about me. It wasn't just my loss of my dream but best friends loss also. He too had a dream & he too was in pain. Instead of focusing on my pain, we joined forces & shared it & leaned into each other. Our good days & bad days, hey, isn't that what two becoming one is all about? We are still doing that & we are learning that we really are strong. Our relationship, that so many has cast a doubtful eye on these past 9 years of marriage is more than they ever imagined it was. We joined forces for each other, for our girls.

But today it hurts & it's not painless but I know I've grown. I've matured. It's where I need to be, not necessarily where I want to be but I am where I should be.

Is this me coming back? Rising from the ashes? Possibly. Maybe it'll take another year for another epiphany to hit. But still, this maturing, it isn't about you, or this writing. It's about me. Nothing changes if nothing changes they say. So, I'm changing.

Painlessly I hope.