It's 9 a.m. on Monday morning and I'm sitting here, in my room, noise maker on, coffee on the nightstand, cat at my side. The girls are in the basement playing with their Beepa and Mimi is in the kitchen making everyone a big breakfast. Derek has left for a trip to Pittsburgh, a rarity here as his job doesn't typically take him away from us. For the next four days my life will be less hectic. I won't plan any meals, I'll shower in peace and quiet and get where I need to be on time. There might be a thrift store run, a stop at a coffee shop where I'll sit by myself, stress free, not worrying about the time because I know the girls will be taken care of. For these few days I'll know how it feels to have a nanny, cook, driver and maid. It's what my mother-in-law enjoys doing. She likes running the show and I love that she does it for me.
I'm the rare breed out there that can say I truly love my in-laws which I almost didn't happen thanks to me, but that's another post for another time. For now, I can say I find them a breathe of fresh air compared to the stifling that my family at times creates for me. Derek's family is the passiveness to my families aggressiveness. But I love my family, I love each every member and all the unique things that bring to my life. My family is hard. They take a lot of energy sometimes and force me to lower my expectations so I don't find myself constantly disappointed. Well, not sometimes, a majority of the time.
One of the numerous reasons I stopped blogging was my family. Things have been bad, very bad, for the last 3 years. As my father has pointed out, you need a scoreboard just to remember which family member is talking to you. It's hard to keep track with who's an enemy and who's an Allie and who's pretending to be both. My sister, Dad and I had a fall out a few years back and it practically consumed me. It was a fall out that left a 2 year shock wave of emotions that, regardless of how hard we tried, wouldn't allow us to get our balance back. The family has been so splintered, or was so splintered, that I oozed negativity. I had learned from a previous situation that I would cause more damage to future mending by venting in such an open forum. I wanted healing, I wanted reconciliation so knew I couldn't write because there were no words that would allow it. All I had to bring was hurt and anger and knives stuck backs so deep if removed they'd immediately be used for revenge. I wanted that then, but knew that it wasn't healthy for what I have now. So I stopped writing. I learned that ever important lesson of shutting up.
It's taken years to mend that riff. But still, I know it was God's plan. I know that the harvest sometimes is painful but the beauty that comes from clearing out the weeds is well worth it. We are better now. We are in a good place and God has brought about new circumstances that one could never had imagined but I know His hand is ever present.
"He gives and takes away......."
I've had friendships end that God deemed necessary, I've had friendships strengthened and begin anew to ease the blow. I've had people turn on me while others have lifted me up. I have so much to write now and I feel like that dam has been broken.
This site will change, but not now right now. Right now I just need to write.