Saved by the Meme

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound, ha! I won't even go into detail about how extremely paranoid calm I am. So, instead of another boring post about how I talk about fears and worries, instead I present to you a Meme thanks to FFG, she has saved the day for you. Go over and thank her.

What were you doing 10 years ago.
Ten years ago, I had just gotten over a horrible case of Mono and was going to the local community college stacking up some easy credits. I was gearing up to move to PA to attend the college I would graduate from.

Five Snacks You Enjoy right now during the crazy pregnancy mode:
1. Pineapple
2. Cheese
3. Yogurt
4. Tangerines
5. Chewy Candy

Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics To:
1. Cecelia

Sadly, and D can attest to this as he laughs at me all the time I'm humming a song, I don't know the words to ANYTHING. I didn't even know the words to Twinkle Twinkle at first. Now, I could continue with the extensive list of Camille songs I know, but that is boring. Technically though, Cecelia is a Camille song. I've been singing it to her since she was born but inserting her name instead. Yes yes, I'm a lyric loser.

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire:
1. Pay off all bad debt (ie: credit cards, cars)
2. Invest Wisely
3. Pay off all my Mom's debts and have her living free
4. Pay off all my In-laws debts and have them living free
5. Relax and enjoy our life

Five Bad Habits:
1. Never having my cellphone charged
2. Collapsing on the couch at night and not cleaning more
3. Mailing birthday presents out late
4. Being sensitive/caring and therefore allowing everyone to walk all over me like their personal doormat
5. All the fun little bits of OCD in me that drives D crazy

Five Things You Like To Do:
1. Wake up in the morning before everyone else and enjoy the peace and quiet
2. Staying at home and raising my daughter and future child
3. Drive with the windows down on a nice day while listening to some good music
4. Cleaning ~ I don't like starting to clean, but I feel invigorating in the middle of it!
5. Drink a good cup of coffee with a friend

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again:
1. Booty shorts, I'm 30 not 20!!
2. Halter Tops
3. 3 inch chunky shoes
4. Jeans that rise past my belly button
5. Overalls

Five Favorite Toys:
1. My kitty cat
2. Camille
3. D
4. The cool hose attachment my Mama got me
5. Camille's outdoor toys...if she occupied that means I can garden!!

Five people to tag (I'm too lazy to link, but you guys know who you are!):
1. sunShine
2. Becci (who is trying to quit blogging)
3. Shokufeh
4. Hedda
5. Heels

Muffled Voice

After I had Camille, I remember thinking how much I missed being pregnant. There was this strange sense of sadness that now I had to share her with the world. I had never been one of those people who wanted kids close in age. But geez how sad I would get each month we weren't pregnant, even though we weren't even on the verge of trying.

Now, I'm pregnant.

Now I'm exactly where I wanted to be and at times I have a thought that flashes through my mind "What the hell were you thinking?"

I'm sick, all day, each day. Every things smells horrible to me, it's so horrible it's overwhelming.

I feel lazy, extremely lazy. Like a horrible wife lazy. I don't dare grocery shop for the week because I have no clue what will make me sick on Wednesday. It could be what I was craving on Tuesday, it's hit or miss. My house also is not set to my standards and thank God that FFG went through the same thing. After reading her post yesterday, I spent the entire day reminding myself it's not just me. I know in 4 more weeks, once we're done with this first trimester, I hopefully will begin to meet my expectations once again.

Yes, I feel sick. I feel lazy.

But I don't feel trapped by my anxiety, although it does show it's ugly head from time to time.

By this point in Camille's pregnancy I found myself on the couch in my therapist office due to numerous panic attacks. It had only been 4 weeks from my miscarriage that I conceived her, so it was so fresh in my mind. I was certain I was going to loose her pregnancy as well.

I have the fears, they are there. I can hear them every now and then but they're locked behind a wall that I refuse to open. It's a muffled voice, one that speaks of what could happen. But I try not to listen.

Next Thursday I have my first ultrasound. I'll be 9 1/2 weeks. My good friend went for her ultrasound at 9 1/2 weeks and they saw no heartbeat. That is one of the muffled voices reminding me of her experience. I try to ignore it and instead focus on my growing belly and the nausea that stays with me from morning to night.

I wonder what it is like, to go through a pregnancy, to be naive and carefree. To have never walked a mile in the shoes of someone who lost.

They will come?

What's that they say? If you build it they will come? Is that really true? Has anyone challenged that and actually built it? And if so, did they really come?

We've built a benefit for our neighbor. A "fundraising gathering" so to speak. What you need to understand is that we've got everything, everything. Local Pizza shops donated a load of pizzas (duh! like what were they really going to donate, hamburgers?). Companies have donated numerous Gift Certificates for us to Raffle off. Heck, someone even donated a satellite radio.

As nice and dandy as all of this planning is, which is also the easy part of the whole thing, there is just one thing that none of us have any control over.

Will people actually show up? Because? If they don't? I'm going to also have a ton of really pissed off clowns.

So, how about all of you lovely people catch a flight up/over/down to Antarctica and be my wing men/women. What do you say? Come on, the ground has actually thawed out and I promise you won't have to worry about the pesky penguins?

That's all.

Obnoxious pregnancy ranting post to follow....eventually. Once I stop feeling like I just got off the world's fastest merry go round that is.