Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Muffled Voice

After I had Camille, I remember thinking how much I missed being pregnant. There was this strange sense of sadness that now I had to share her with the world. I had never been one of those people who wanted kids close in age. But geez how sad I would get each month we weren't pregnant, even though we weren't even on the verge of trying.

Now, I'm pregnant.

Now I'm exactly where I wanted to be and at times I have a thought that flashes through my mind "What the hell were you thinking?"

I'm sick, all day, each day. Every things smells horrible to me, it's so horrible it's overwhelming.

I feel lazy, extremely lazy. Like a horrible wife lazy. I don't dare grocery shop for the week because I have no clue what will make me sick on Wednesday. It could be what I was craving on Tuesday, it's hit or miss. My house also is not set to my standards and thank God that FFG went through the same thing. After reading her post yesterday, I spent the entire day reminding myself it's not just me. I know in 4 more weeks, once we're done with this first trimester, I hopefully will begin to meet my expectations once again.

Yes, I feel sick. I feel lazy.

But I don't feel trapped by my anxiety, although it does show it's ugly head from time to time.

By this point in Camille's pregnancy I found myself on the couch in my therapist office due to numerous panic attacks. It had only been 4 weeks from my miscarriage that I conceived her, so it was so fresh in my mind. I was certain I was going to loose her pregnancy as well.

I have the fears, they are there. I can hear them every now and then but they're locked behind a wall that I refuse to open. It's a muffled voice, one that speaks of what could happen. But I try not to listen.

Next Thursday I have my first ultrasound. I'll be 9 1/2 weeks. My good friend went for her ultrasound at 9 1/2 weeks and they saw no heartbeat. That is one of the muffled voices reminding me of her experience. I try to ignore it and instead focus on my growing belly and the nausea that stays with me from morning to night.

I wonder what it is like, to go through a pregnancy, to be naive and carefree. To have never walked a mile in the shoes of someone who lost.

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