Tea and Sympathy

Sometimes you just need a break. You need to cut ties and walk away and reassess where you are coming from and where you want to be in life. These past 5 months have been trying on me emotionally for reasons that I have never mentioned here on this site. If there is one lesson I've learned in the past year, it is to watch what I say here very carefully. When in the heat of things, words can be misconstrued and further wound a weaning relationship. I've learned that lesson very well as my words sent daggers, as unintentional as they were, I caused further damage. So months back I found myself there once again up against an Army of people I thought would never up rise against me, but here I was and here I still stand with this Army on my back.

This has been a good learning experience, a good lesson in maturity and growth. I didn't realize I needed a hiatus until a few weeks upon returning from a trip. I just needed a break from.....everything. I needed time to get my thoughts in line and make healthy decisions and deal with the drama around me in a productive manner. My decision to not write about it was one made based upon maturity. My decision to no longer engage in unneeded conflict has been one that does not seem natural as my whole life has revolved around the drama that is my family. Oh, we put that fun in dysfunctional, trust me. But I'm not team player any longer.

Two words that have ruled my mind in these past weeks:

Peace and Tranquility

I don't find the need to rehash stories to friends over tea and beg for them to give me some unneeded sympathy. I don't need that. What we all need is to learn how to be the bigger person and let it go all for the sake of peace. No one else will follow me, that I am sure. I am now on the outside looking in puzzled as to what draws us all to thrive on the fighting, to thrive on the name calling and poison pen letters. Oh, the words, they have been like daggers to my soul and as much as I would love to lash back out via this site or an email I hear that still small voice whispering "You don't understand it, let it go". At times I don't understand even what that means, but I hear it and I obey. I let it go, as much as it pains my pride to be treated that way, I just let it go, I walk away. But I don't find I am walking away mad, I just walk away out of what is best for everyone involved.

This is also true to people around me, not just the drama that continually engulfs my family like a fire. Maybe it's me, maybe I've just been so programmed to live in the drama of my family that I search for that same thing in everyday relationships. It's almost like I'm not comfortable unless there is some riff going on somewhere and I'm right in the middle of it.

But it's getting old, these useless battles and all the fighting and scoreboards of who did what to who and who said what last and who's turn is to fight back.

I'm done fighting. But what is interesting to me is that I'm not angry, mad, upset or even grudge holding against anyone. I love my parents. I love my Mom and my Dad. I love my sisters. I love my friends who don't love me and technically the same family members mentioned above who don't even like me.

I don't know if I'm back for good yet. I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave this little cocoon of serenity just yet. We'll see soon, but I did have to put you at peace to know that I'm okay. Well, I'm better than okay, I'm fabulous. I feel great about my life, about where I am in my life and the people in my life. I'm great, I'm just trying to figure out how to keep it that way.