Go Away

I realize that I should not be feeling this way, trust me I keep telling myself to just stop and get over it all ready. I tell myself that I tried my best and there was nothing else I could do. I pumped exclusively for 5 full months, 5-6 times a day. I worked hard. I still wonder if it was my best.

When each site you go to is talking about breastfeeding, it makes one question themselves. Honestly, it was even before this big controversy that I've been kicking my own ass and secretly hoping that one of my friends would also fail like I did so I would not feel so alone in this journey of mine. In a way I feel like a failure. I feel almost less of a Mom because we aren't nursing. Whenever I see my friends nurse their little ones I cringe. Secretly I feel like I am not bonding as well as others.

It hurts. I ache because I wanted it to work but it didn't.

I've felt so bad about this this past week that I have even started doing research on relactating.

Maybe it's the stress that's getting to me that is not allowing me to see things clearly. Maybe it's the glass of wine that I just drank that has allowed me to admit this to you, to actually put this all in writing for all to see. Whatever it is, it's here and I wish it would just go away.