I had meant to write about these feelings in the last post, as Camille had just turned 3 months, but strangely it took a different twist and before I knew it I was on another one of my typical soap boxes. I tend to stand on them a lot, but usually it stays within my inner monologue never able to escape.

But thinking about these last three months those fears and worries as I described above seem so foreign to me as I have realized that this journey so far has turned out to be absolutely amazing although just a little rocky when it started. In the beginning, I was completely overwhelmed, I felt a little trapped. This control freak quickly learned that there was no dictating a newborn, rather the newborn dictating me. I didn't immediately bond with my baby at first due to the sheer exhaustion I was experiencing after that whole ordeal. When people would ask how we were doing, I would lie through my teeth as I gushed about being a new mom, the way a new mom is expected to do. I wonder how people would have responded if I had told them truth, I wonder how far their jaws would have dropped at the response I wanted to give.
However, that slowly changed at the 4 week mark when all the help went back home and D went back to work and I was left here alone to begin my new role as Mom. It was then in those alone moments that I was able to freely navigate through these emotions and try out different ways to attach to my new daughter. It started with talking, having little conversations with her, and then I began singing and slowly the singing lead into dancing. Before I knew it, I knew how to calm my baby and I knew my baby.

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