Today was the first day I flew solo with Camille. My mom left and D went to work for the day leaving me alone with only maybe 3 hours cumulative of sleep. I know I did okay, but in my heart I feel I failed her miserably. I never actually realized the guilt a mom could feel over the most stupid little things. I realize that letting her cry for 5 minutes while I pumped today won't damage her. And the fact that I got a little frustrated because, when at 11:30 a.m. she fell asleep in my arms and then woke up immediately when I placed her in her crib when all I really wanted to do, other than sleep, was to take a quick 5 minute shower most likely went unnoticed by her. But I knew. And then, this evening, around the time she has been usually going to sleep, I washed her up real quick during which she screamed like there was no tomorrow. She screamed so much between that and getting dressed that during her feeding she whimpered. Whimpered! My baby was so upset that she actually whimpered while drinking her bottle. It took her over a half hour to really calm herself down and fall asleep. I felt horrible. So horrible that, although D begged to let him calm her down, I felt like I owed her my comfort since it was me who upset her so much.
I know that there is no such thing as a perfect mom. I also know that it is okay to feel frustrated from time to time. That these days are hard, these newborn times. Logically I know all of this. Logically I know that even though I was frustrated this morning I still held my daughter gently, and that that was a good thing. But in this new mother's heart, where I only want to be the best for this little girl, I beat myself up and wonder if my best will be enough. Logically I know the answer to that question and I know that going on just 3 hours of sleep forces one to be overly emotional. With that, I am off to bed, at 10:20 p.m. on a Friday night so I can wake up tomorrow and start again knowing that it can only get better.