Tuesday, August 16, 2005


I am assuming that they made it although she hasn't called. I didn't receive a message from any hospital or police department so I am think they are in Pennsylvania now. The road that took them there has just been long and winding and full of pot holes, but by faith they went. She didn't leave easily. There were a lot of tears and heartache associated with packing up 8 years of memory's and 3 kids and taking them to a place where even his family was standing strong against it. I am the selfish one though. I know she was hurting but I needed her to be okay because I needed her closer to me. As she shed tears last night during that, what I am sure was a long, 6 hour drive, I counted down the hours that they would be only 3 1/2 hours from me. I even prayed that God would sell their home so that she could be closer, even though I knew it would hurt her to leave. Yes, I am selfish. But as much as this move was a faith walk for her, it was just as much for me.

I wanted to move also. I wanted to be closer to my mom. When the prospects of finding D a new job came up I was filled with so much anticipation. I was even willing to join them in PA, a state I ran away from after college. But I'd compromise all to be closer to family. Living here isn't horrible, but it does get a little lonely and depressing when I get home sick. I dreamt of being able to finally afford a house as the cost of living here just makes that impossible. I would miss my new found friendships, each and every one of them means a lot to me. I recognized that it would be a large price to pay to be closer. One could say I was willing to choose the lesser of two evils. The choice though became unnecessary as D was offered a job he couldn't say no too. Although my day dreams had just been shattered and my escape had now been denied, I was able to digest it because I knew she would be closer making my mom closer too. That is how I was going to make it through a longer sentence here in Antartica. I was able to stomach it. But then it happened. The phone call, the warning that she might not be moving. That, my safety net, was just torn apart and now I had to make the decision to stay not based on her. Now, that the decision was my own faith walk. Do I deny my husband a job he wanted because I needed to be closer? Or, do I trust God that whether or not they would move, this is the path He has chosen and He would bless me for that. Now, strangely enough, both of us where on the similar faith walks based on her life outcome. But I knew that answer, I knew that we were to stay as I reluctantly told D to accept the position. It's a great position working with a great employer, one who values family and hard work. It would allow me the luxury of not working if that is what I chose. Everything we were looking for in a new job was dangling in front of us. Except, it was here and not there and they might not be moving. I broke the news to mom, she was just as disappointed as I was. I couldn't say to her anymore that soon we'd only be 3 1/2 hours away.
She wanted badly to have a daughter closer as much as I wanted someone closer.

And during the whole mix of it, her husbands family was bitter that they were moving back to his hometown. What selfishness! As they were strongly pushing them away, not wanting them living within 45 minutes of their homes, I was just begging for 3 1/2 hours. They don't deserve to have them so close by. They don't deserve to see them on a daily basis. But, that wasn't my battle to fight as his family isn't mine. So I stayed silent with my anger and frustration.

But now, after all the drama and choices, the house got sold and they were able to move making me feel more at ease. Little does she know, that in the end they suffered for my peace of mind. Maybe not directly, but I did lift many selfish prayers up to heaven to move them for me.

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