Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Safety Nets

I've got so much ground to cover today that I have decided to break these post into two parts. Technically I should have titled this just simply Part 1 but that isn't witty and sure doesn't sound inviting. I realize I have brought this back log of writing on myself as I have been neglectful of my posting responsibilities. I fear eventually my avid readers will give up on me and move one to higher ground and more reliable bloggers. I understand, but bare with me, the first trimester should end soon and supposedly this sickness also leaves with I'm told! In reality though, many things that are going on in my life right now have not been exactly post'able. Many things if posted would force many members of my family to either feel like their privacy has been invaded or begin a round of silent treatments with me as began in the last seething post. So I have opted to keep my mouth shut and my hands on top of head. What's that saying? If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Hence nothing at all.

I've decided that I should probably touch on the subject left in last post comments. I have debated with myself of what to do. I could assume that many hadn't read the comment and just move on from the topic. But of course we all know what assuming does. I had meant to remove the comment last night, as it was my cousin's way of communicating with me absent of my email at the time. Unfortunately I got a bad case of evening sickness and went to bed forgetting this task. If people had read it there might be a hint of curiosity due to the subject matter in the comment. So, Mrs. Indecisive has decided to leave the comment there and bring the subject up as it is a very interesting one to me. Originally I found out about this situation weeks before my Aunt's children did. I only knew because my Uncle shared it with my Mom who swore us to secrecy until they could tell their children. Personally it was cruel and unusual torture for me to know and them not to especially when I consider myself growing closer to my cousin and his wife...well, really his wife more but inevitably my cousin to I am sure! Knowing that my Aunt (at the time) potentially might have Lung Cancer, my Uncle turned to my mother and wanted us girls to be there for my cousin since we have become experts on parental Cancer diagnosis. After many test the end result unfortunately has shown cancer in both her lungs, breathing and eating tubes, and her trachea and esophagus. Yesterday's Pet Scan results have shown the cancer is throughout her body. This news is pretty devastating.

I am the type of person that believes that all things happen for a reason. That life's experiences are woven together creating a crocheted chain effect. Each hook you form depends on the next eventually resulting in a masterpiece. There are many times I don't understand why a certain chain in my life had to occur and I am always looking for it's reason. Why did Garret die? Why did I have to miscarry? What purpose could their be in Mom having cancer? I look at certain things in life after they have occurred and I search for a purpose. Many people will tell me that this outlook is absurd. That sometimes thing just happen apart from any rhyme or reason. They sit alone in the cosmic world for no other purpose than just to occur. I try to believe this. I try to believe that the only reason I miscarried was simply because it happens. Door closed, no more analyzing, let it go. But in my heart, how I am wired, I still keep my eyes peeled for a purpose. I don't believe we are here for random events. I explain this theory of mine to you in order for you to understand my next thought.

Growing up I was not close to my Florida cousins. It was not out of cruelty, like my cousins on the other side, but more out of great distance and lack of money for both my mom and her brother. Well, not my whole life. Before my parents divorced and that silver was replaced with plastic, we did enjoy the perks that any other well to do family experienced. One of which was to travel. I don't remember these days but numerous pictures confirm this for me. After the divorce the money dried up faster than the Sahara desert and traveling beyond the state border was out of our means. Keep in mind that silver spoon I was born with was quickly replaced by a plastic one...I remember my mom saying that to me when I was 8 and that saying was followed with "Don't bite down to hard, because if it breaks, it can't be replaced". The Florida side also inherited this plastic utensil, so visits were out of the question. I always knew of this family, and before the divorce I remember my Aunt sending me Polly Flanders dresses, other than that, my memories are quite empty. It wasn't until a few years back that my Uncle began to emerge and insist on visiting us. His first visit after many years occurring during my Junior your in college. I always have enjoyed his presence and adored watching the love that he and my Aunt have shared. My cousins both had been going through a rough spot in life and never joined them on these visits. Not until last summer that is did we get the call that not only was my Aunt and Uncle coming to visit but along with them my cousin and his new wife were joining them specifically for our Family Reunion that our part of the family was in charge of. Now, here is confession time. My sister's and I did not want them coming. We did not want to share our traditions and our Grandmother with people who we considered outsiders, regardless of the fact that genetically they deserved to be there. In our minds they were stepping into a tight knit circle that they had no right to be in. Yes, we are very territorial of my Mom and Granny. They are ours and we don't like to share them or our traditions. We made a pact, we give them a moment, and if we didn't like them, they would be ostrecized from our circle. How mean? I know, it is, and caddy at that. But you must realize that growing up my Mom and Granny were our main symbols of trust and security. We have this safety net between the five of us and we don't like inviting others inside of it. If you think one ***** can make you feel unwanted, imagine the power of the three of us together. My mom knows how possessive we are and begged us to play nice, if anything for Granny's sake. Smugly we agreed. Whatever armor of jealously and control we put on was quickly stripped the moment all four of them arrived. Before we knew it, that hand locked safety net slowly loosened making way for four more people to grab hold on to. I don't know exactly what it was that allowed us to trust them, maybe Steve's uncanny sense of humor that strangely resembled that of our own. Or the realness of his wife as she began to engage in true conversation with these strange new in-laws she innocently married into. What was apparent was that after that weekend, family ties just became stronger and new friendships were quickly formed with a genuine wish of their return. Now, with this new twist of fate, I clearly see why God brought them back into our lives. Everything happens for a reason, and the reason here is clear....we need them as much as they need us and our safety net has only become stronger.

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