Monday, May 09, 2005
Yesterday was Mother's Day (if this is the first time you realized this I would highly recommend that you stop what you are doing immediately and call whomever birth/raised you). D and I did nothing special for this day except skip church and have a Panera bagel. We only did that because he had such a hellish week between work and the accident he was not up to waking to an alarm at all this weekend, which was fine. The thought of even celebrating this day didn't even cross our minds. It wasn't until I received 2 cards in the mail for the "Mother-to-be" that it even dawned on me that technically I could celebrate it this year. When I asked D what he thought about the whole concept he said that he didn't want to celebrate it because honestly, he didn't want to jinx the whole thing. Amazing to me, that my husband actually has an emotion about this pregnancy, an emotion of concern and fear that it will end. I guess in a way I have always assumed that he is more focused on the fear of the financial effect rather than focused on a desire for this pregnancy to continue because he is emotionally connected to it. For me, I have not fully accepted this pregnancy emotionally. I am doing all that is needed physically such as taking my vitamins, eating meals other than just dinner, and am even drinking milk. I still feel awkward when people ask me how the pregnancy is going. Or even when people acknowledge that I am even pregnant. And having to talk about it is strangely uncomfortable only because I have not allowed myself to feel fully comfortable with the whole thing out of fear that it will end. I go through the motions of pregnancy....I think about what I will do for Christmas this year, how I will get the Christmas cards out while as large as a house, I think about what maternity clothes I will need come Fall. I think about all of this while arms lengthing myself. Before the pregnancy, I would shop for my future child. Now, I can't bring myself to do it. Now that the pregnancy is real, and there is a real threat of it ending, I am not as quick to pick something up for the baby. Of course, when I say that there is a real threat of it ending, I am not saying that I am even presenting any signs of a miscarriage. But I live in the hypothetical. It could happen because it did happen and we all base our realities on our past experiences. I pray each and every day for this not to end, but I also prayed each and every day for Garrett not to die. I prayed each and every day that my Dad would not have Mantle Cell Lymphoma. I prayed each and every day that Ms. Cindy would beat her cancer. All these things happened regardless of how hard I prayed. But as I even type this, there is a still, calm voice that says "You prayed each and every day that you could get pregnant and you did". I am scared, so much because now I am further along, and now it will hurt worse than the last one physically and emotionally. D and I have this friend, Phil, he is the stereo typical bachelor with a heart of gold. We have never received a Christmas card, a birthday gift or any of the sorts from him. But last night, the evening of Mother's Day he became the 3rd person to give me a Mother-to-be card. My sweet bachelor friend who buys his groceries from CVS even considers this pregnancy as real. Thank God others aren't arms lengthing themselves from this as I am. I look around at the hope in their eyes and hear the joy in their voice and for now, they are the ones holding me up allowing me to get through these early weeks.