Friday, April 22, 2005

Dear Baby,

Today I have turned 6 weeks along in my pregnancy with you and for that reason I feel moved to write you this letter. I am hoping that some day, maybe during your teenage years, you will be able to sit down and read this and know how desperately you were wanted. I hope and pray you will make it little one. Just this morning I had a panic attack and swore that I was beginning to bleed. I went to my one true source of pregnancy confirmation, my boobs, for the answers and not one bit of pain as they have hurt the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. I felt the numbness set in and my heart begin to race and that feeling of emptiness, of totally loosing control over the one thing in my life that I want so badly. I sat at this same spot on the couch where I write you this letter and tried to reign in my emotions. Is it really happening, again? And if so, how on earth will I get through this? I sat, paralyzed with fear...I couldn't move. I watched the clock and waited, ten minutes I told myself. You can check again in ten minutes. But that just seemed like eternity. I couldn't wait. With my shaking hands and racing heart I went into the bathroom, my walk of shame that I feel like I have taken one to many times, and checked. Please dear God, please no blood. And as I sat there, on my porcelain throne, I let out a big sigh of relief followed by an anxious laugh. It was all in my head, no blood and sore boobs. No change, just me, being overly anxious that because I wore the same panties I wore the first time I miscarried, I would loose you too. I am sorry to say, but your mom is a little crazy. But if there is one thing you can learn from this experience, it is this: You are already the most loved little bean, above all the little beans in this world. If I was to loose you tomorrow, my heart would be so broken. I have bonded with you already, I talk to you each day. I know it sounds crazy as you are the size of my thumb, well, the tip of my thumb. How could someone love something so small? Did you know that at 6 week your little heart will start beating? I read that this week, Wednesday to be exact and thought to myself "Two more days, I can't wait". Now I am beginning to be filled with all sorts of worry as I anticipate next weeks blood work. What happens if you aren't growing and my blood levels have dropped? What happens if your heart doesn't start beating and can't be detected on the ultrasound? All these questions, all these fresh new fears. As I begin to worry that maybe, deep inside hidden by my protecting eyes something is not happening that should, a new feeling washes over me, almost as if to encourage me that all is okay. I know most women dread this part and pray for the day it ends..but you will be the only child whose mommy excitedly felt her first feelings of nauseous and the best feeling of relief wash over her body. My dear little one, I know I still have 34 weeks left to go, but I beg you, please don't leave me, please allow us to meet. Allow me to hold you in my arms and kiss your little forehead. I have great things planned for us, but you have to hang in there my little barnacle...I promise you only good things will come from.

Your Mommy to be

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