Thursday, April 14, 2005

Brita for the Brain

Yesterday was round 3 of Bloodwork. Before I reveal the results, let me explain the extreme anxiety that I was experiencing leading up to and following this event. Tuesday night before I went to bed, I did my nightly T.V. watching as we all know how my addiction goes with things reality, specifically this night was the Discovery Health Channel. Tonight's episode that intrigued me was called "Conception to Birth" where they followed 5 couples during the process. Please note that I would have been interested in this show regardless of the pregnancy. So, out of the 5 couples, one of the ladies ends up miscarrying at 10 weeks. I turned the show off at that point and began my spiral into the depths of fixation. I sat there thinking how even if I make it to this Friday (5 weeks) I am not even half way there and I might not even make it to my 1st trimester now. This fixation was followed by an evening of waking every hour on the hour starting at 2 a.m. to check to see if I had miscarried yet. Keep in mind that my miscarriage had occurred early morning, and I woke up last Friday early morning to bleeding. My day was only a wakeful continuation of my early morning fits but followed by a churning stomach, raising heart rate and tears that would present themselves each time I thought about the what if's. I was supposed to have the results by 5:00 p.m. I call the receptionist who tells me that the results did come, she had read them to my doctor and he would be calling me. An hour later, still no call....I am a total mess. I decided that to kill time I'd take a nap, I'm pregnant, it seems like a good idea. Funny how anxiety doesn't rest when you rest. As I laid in my favorite napping spot I woke hyperventilating and even, yes, choking on my own darn saliva! This is how insane the what if's are making me. In the words of Dr. Phil, how's that working for you? Well Phil, it's not and if I continue like this for the next several weeks I think D will have me committed and I don't want my memories of pregnancy to be a psych ward. Rather, I've decided I can't allow myself to read, hear or watch anything related to infertility or miscarriages. The only miscarriage stories I will listen to are from people who miscarried once and then had a successful second pregnancy. Yes my friends, ignorance is bliss and the only way I will be able to experience that bliss is by putting filters on my brain.

Now, for the results of the test: My numbers look great, they are at 809 almost doubled from Monday. My doctor feels confident. I have also stopped spotting as of Wednesday which makes my doctor very happy. I obviously am elated by the results and the lack of blood. But you know what's going through my brain now? They say that your numbers doubled every other day and my numbers didn't exactly double from Monday. My doctor says they don't have to double exactly, and I need to stop being so paranoid. Each pregnancy is different and this one has nothing to do with the first. How badly I would like to return to that time when I was able to be naive and believe that my pregnancy would never end. Well, not until 40 weeks that is!

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