Tearless

Grief.

It's a strange thing.

There is that list of emotions that you are supposed to feel when someone dies, there is a order to it, you check it off your list giving you an indication when you will begin to feel better I guess.

My grief isn't typical, I don't follow this list to the dot. The circumstances surrounding this isn't typical so why should my emotions be any different.

I still haven't cried.

I'm sure I could cry if I sat down and really let myself but I just can't seem to allow it to come. It almost happened last Wednesday while I was exercising. I was jogging with the girls listening to my Zune, Fort Minor's, Where'd you go to be specific, and for some reason I felt the emotions bubbling up hitting my tears ducts as they tried to force their way out. I know the song is not about someone dying, but I'm certain at this point in time it could have the even had the Flight of the Concords playing and it would have struck that nerve seeing how raw they are right now. I didn't allow the tears to escape though. I just pushed them back down, shook my head in disbelief (something we all have been doing since that dreadful Tuesday 3 weeks ago) and hit the pavement even harder, a little faster.

My Dad got remarried so long ago that I was surprised when I found it had been over 20 years since his wife was brought into my life. She never was a step mother to me, she was my friend. She just respected my quirks better than most, maybe because she also had quirks that made many people puzzled, that could be a good possibility I suppose. I never had one bad memory of her, never an episode where I felt threatened by her presence in my Dad's life. She gave us our space as we grew and never forced her way in. At our monthly visits she didn't fight for that valuable time we had to spend with our Dad, she gave that to us freely. I don't think it was until my college years when I truly understood how useful she was in my life. She gave me invaluable advice and an even more a valuable ear.

Yes, a friend indeed that will be missed so deeply.

I don't know why she is gone. I will probably never understand. But for the time being I've not only found myself speechless, but even more so, tearless in disbelief.