Mad Love

I have certain friends who only call me during certain times of the day. No, I don't assign when they can call me, it just so happens their schedules only permit down time during specific hours.

So when my phone rang yesterday morning, and my faithful caller id announced who it was, I picked up immediately and greeted the caller with my normal response when she calls in the morning (she's a after 5 p.m. caller typically):

"Hi. What's wrong"

To which she responded:

"Are you sitting down"

Now, let me pause for a moment and explain to you our calling history. Last time I received a morning call from her, it was to inform me she went into labor at 29 weeks. The second morning call was to inform me that her father most likely had a heart attack. And my morning call to her? That was to cry hysterically because I was at Fairfax Hospital miscarrying. So, we have a history here, you know? It's just never good when her number shows up on my caller id before 5 p.m. Although, come to think of it, she did throw me a fast ball recently calling me after 5 p.m., the safe nothing is wrong calling time, to inform me that her friends son was dying. But, that only happened once, on with the story.

Apparently, after being pulled into the blog world by yours truly, her employers discovered her little diamond in the rough and felt she was no longer a good representation of their highly anal company.

She got the ax.

My dear, wonderful, precious friend was ever so kindly, ever so gently asked to resign. Now, what you also must realize about this friend? She doesn't get fired, she always did the firing back in the day. She's just that good that no one in their right minds would fire her.

So, let's all give her some Princess and Johnsy mad love and encouragement. Really in the long run it's the best thing. If you've been keeping up with her site you'd know that she posed a question to all adoring fans on whether or not to quit her job and return to school. The decision is a little easier now, but the road to get there just wasn't as kind as she expected.

Now, go on, leave her a comment. She reads the site and you'd bring smiles to her sweet lil face.

I'm waiting.

No more updates or cute pictures of Camille until you do.

I do

I've learned how to wake up consistently at 7:30 every morning

I've learned to sleep without a monitor but still wake from a dead sleep to the sounds of a cry

I've learned that showers are optional

I've learned that I have quick reflexes against the ever flowing river of spit up

I've learned that Clinique Happy does an amazing job at masking the stench of old spit up

I've learned breaking into a rendition of the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" can calm even the loudest scream

I've learned that being emotional is not always a bad thing

But mostly?

Mostly I've learned that sometimes the other shoe just doesn't always have to fall. That sometimes God really does shine His grace down on me.

I love my daughter more than any silly words could ever allow me to express.

I have felt blessed each and every day of these past 6 months, even with our rocky start. But even then, it made me want to be a better Mom to this gorgeous little creature. I can't imagine what the next 6 months will hold for me.

Will I still be madly in love with my girl?

Will I still enjoy her the way I do now?

Whatever the answer, whatever the outcome, I look forward to continuing this journey.

P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C.

You might possibly think that I am a horrible Mom.

But?

You also might have had found yourself in utter hysterics that you too would have grabbed the camera as your daughter perfected the pout.

But then, she goes from that horrible pout, to this.

Within seconds.


And since we all probably know that moments like these will send Camille straight to therapy, I offer you this:

Sitting:



Not sitting:


As I was documenting this momentous occasion she rolled right over. Well, it was more of a thud than a roll.

Geez, I tell ya', some people just shouldn't be allowed to be parents.

Tada!

Pictures!

They're everywhere, just as promised. Okay, maybe just a day or two late but people, there was shopping to be done. Lots and lots of shopping. There was no time to sit and post. But they're here, I'm here, back in the Tundra* actually getting here with absolutely no flight delays. And I'm happy to be home, sorta. Not happy to have to have left my Mom but still happy to be sleeping in my own bed. That damn double edge sword. But tomorrow, we will be busy once again for tomorrow is D's birthday! And ask me, in my four days of shopping bliss if I bought him his birthday presents. Is it even worth asking?

Temporarily

Oh my gosh.

I haven't updated since Saturday and really won't have time to update until Friday because:

I'M IN D.C. BABY AND I AIN'T COMING BACK!!

Well, that's a lie. I am coming back, but not until Friday. And I do feel bad because my friend Ms. Panama is having a bad day and I haven't updated and to add to her bad day, none of her favorite sites have updated so she is going to abandon us all and find nicer, more updated sites. So really this update is for her.

I would also love to write more but I fear that I have permanently injured my tail bone after a 11 mile bike ride with my mom today for her birthday. Did I mention that she turned 66 years old today and she went on, no, make that insisted on going on a 11 mile bike ride? Gosh, the tenacity of the women in my family.

Oh, and I lie again. Maybe I didn't permanently injure the tail bone. Technically Camille did as she sat on it for 40 straight weeks and then proceeded to push on it for exactly 36 hours. Which was very nice of her, don't you think? But she totally made up for it last night.

We were to leave the Tundra at 5:10 p.m. and arrive in Baltimore at 6:30 p.m. putting us at my Mom's at 7:30 p.m. (Southwest only flies into BWI and I'm cheap so I make my Mom drive a hour in rush hour to get me, but I am worth).

Would you care to know exactly what time we did leave?

9:00 p.m. Would you care to know what time Camille insist on going to bed at night?

7:30 p.m.

Doesn't add up now does it?

But, I am proud to announce that I have the best baby ever, feel free to envy me. She was perfect. Slept on the plane. Woke up, got in the car, slept on the drive home. And then? The cherry here....we got to the house, she woke up and went straight to bed. Gosh I love that girl.

Right now I'm temporarily out of service. But, if you all are really nice, I will consider posting nothing but pictures tomorrow, mkay?

Passing On

Early this morning, I'm not quit sure of the exact time, My Aunt Suzy died after a fierce battle with lung cancer.

When my parents were married, we spent a lot of time with my Uncle George and Aunt Suzy. But once they divorced, and money was not flowing as it did before, vacations to Florida to visit ended. It wasn't until a few years back that we became close with them again. God has a way of restoring relationships for a purpose. I don't believe that anything in our life happens on a whim, that some things are just ordained. I would like to think it was my new cousin that was the catalyst that helped bring us closer, her courage to marry into such a circus. Whatever the route, however way, we are closer and I am grateful for that as I know my Aunt was too.

I loved my Aunt Suzy. I had these great memories of her. She was the Aunt who, because she had 2 boys, would buy my sisters and I Polly Flinders dresses. I remember, almost like it was yesterday, opening up the package that held my new dress. Strange Memory? Yes, but still a good memory to keep.

You'll be missed Aunt Suzy and always loved.

Unfaithful

Tonight I did something that might hurt our friendship here. You might feel like I have betrayed you, like I've cheated on you, I've had an affair on blogger. Maybe we should go to counseling.

There have been times during this online journey of mine that I miss the days of anonymity. There are day when I wish no one knew that this little site even existed allowing me to possibly open up a teensy bit more. I'm no way an internet big wig like others are. As I've pointed out before, I'm not here for the ratings or the comments. I actually began this site almost 2 years ago as a way to keep my friends out of state up to date with my life. It began very boring, mundane, day to day occurrences here in the frozen tundra. There was no emotion, no chance of deep dark secrets coming out, and absolutely no soap boxes. But then it morphed into something bigger. My Dad's cancer progressed. And then my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. And just when I thought that the old saying was wrong, it did come in three's and I miscarried. I couldn't be all sugar and spice anymore. There was a lot of emotion that I needed to put out there and I found this amazing support from people I will most likely (but hope I could) never meet in my lifetime. But during this journey, I have received serious ridicule from friends, have shocked friends to a point that they feel they can nolonger be friends and obviously shown sides of me friends wish they didn't have to see.

So, I am regularly toning things down a bit or just not writing at all. I decided tonight to conduct an experiment and begin a whole new site. A site where no one knows me and I can write without the fear of offending someone or opening pandora's box. So, I signed up and began my new journey with butterfly's in my stomach. I would still write here but know I could have a place where I didn't have to tone it down. Where if I needed to rant and throw in some "words" here and there, I could because I didn't know who was reading and therefore wouldn't know if I was offending. Well, as if blogger was watching, I go to sign into the new site, and it didn't recognize me. I had the email with my user name and password right in front of me so I knew I was typing it in correctly but still, I kept getting denied. I even went as far as clicking on that "forgot password" option. No, I didn't forget the password but let's act like I did so we can reset the password that they insisted was wrong. Well, wouldn't you know it, now my email address was not in their records even though I had just received an email from their website.

I take it as a sign. Blogger will not allow me to be unfaithful. Blogger insist that I not have any other blogs and that I stick with it.

I will.

I will stick with it.

I promise.

I will never cheat on you again.

But, sometimes I am tempted. Sometimes I work so hard for our relationship but am not sure if you notice! See that cute little flickr thing changing pictures to your left? That's all for you! Updated always with new pics of the babe. But do any of you look at it? Noooo. I know this because there is a counter on it. And I know that no one is clicking on that darn thing that I work so hard to upload to and put cute little captions on, just for you. For your entertainment. So really? If I did cheat on you? It could have been because of that. And I even added a new link. See that new link? The link is to my amazing, wonderful online friend Ms. Panama? That I met through my site! And if you think that her site looks a teensy bit familiar it's because I gave her my old template because that's what online friends do for each other! Now, how on earth could I abandon ship when I get the opportunity to sound completely dorky by saying I have an online friend?

Ahhh...I love you!

So, you forgive me, right?

Just Because

Because it's Monday, and my daughter is actually taking a nap which she fought all weekend. Every single nap. But come Monday? She's cool with naps again, go figure.

Because it's Monday and the sun is actually shining, something that is very rare these days.

Because it's Monday and the stars aligned so perfectly that my daughter is sleeping and the sun is shining which means we can actually go outside, I have no time to post. I only have time to very very quickly shower so that the babe and I can run outside before the weather gods realize I'm enjoying the sun and punish me with more rain.

Instead, enjoy this little ditty that Heather has bestowed upon me, gifting me with the letter "C".

Camille: Most beautiful child ever born, she takes after her Mama.

Cats: Like them much more than humans half of the time.

Coffee: Morning

Chocolate Martini: Night

Cheap: Ha! to those that pay full price!

Colt: First car, in case of accident would most likely spit nails at me

Civic: First car that wouldn't spit nails at me

Cape Coral: My sanity from the Frozen Tundra

Critical: I am my worst enemy

Cancer: both parents have/had it

Now, because the sun is shining, I find it appropriate to pass the torch to Sunshine, and because I'm so kind, you can pick your own letter!

I shall return.

Eat some worms

Like you didn't need anymore reasons to believe that I was a little narcissistic but there is thing about me. Not many people know this about me because really? Who's going to share there strangest, deepest, darkest personality traits to complete strangers? Well, who other than me of course who has ended up in the past 2 years just letting everything about her just lay out here for the entire internet viewing pleasure.

This thing. I tend to think that everyone is mad at me all the time. I forget to call you back? Wham, you must be mad at me. I can't make it over this week to see you? Of course you're frustrated with me now. You're friends with a friend who no longer wants to be my friend? Totally despising me. Now, I don't know why I am this way. It's not as if people really have the time of day to sit around and conjure up negative thoughts of me, I do know that. But I just tend to assume that people are mad at me. Remember that song about no one liking you and eating some worms? Yeah, feel free to psychoanalysis that.

Well, I have a friend, who really is a friend of the friend who nolonger wants to be my friend. The two of us are involved in this "craft group" (Oh yes, as a side note, I realize how incredibly domestic that sounds. Shoot me now, okay?) . Well, I've wanted start back up with the classes and it just so happens that there is a class being offered this month. Without hesitation I immediately sign up and pay my money, $10, not bad. I'm all excited about it, tell D, reserve that night for him to watch le babe and go on and on to my Mom about how great it will be. But then it hits me. This friend, she likes these kinds of classes to and generally doesn't miss any of them. My puffed up feeling of excitement immediately dwindles down to a tiny bubble of disappointment as I realize that this person might also not want to be friends anymore and how uncomfortable that would be to go to this class for the night and have this strange awkwardness lingering above us. Technically, in this divorce of friendship, I don't get this friend. She wasn't my friend first, I inherited her during our friendship so it would only be fair that the friend who nolonger wants to be my friend have her. I really wanted to go to the class but I also really didn't want to go with a person who didn't want to be around me. I scheme. I sigh. I sigh a little more (I tend to sigh quite a lot sometimes). I finally decide the best way to handle this is to write her a little email in which I will tell her about this class. Plain and simple. That way she will know I will be at this class and then she can cancel therefore not having to run into me seeing that she is merely a victim in this sad sad breakup. So, the email gets sent.

When you send emails like that, am I the only one who finds themselves almost scared to check for a response? No? Well, moving on. I get a response. I also get a little scared about what that response entails. I quickly skim over it fully expecting to read that she will not be attending and what a relief it was that I informed her. But to my great surprise, the response was not at all what I had expected. Actually, in talking to her last night, she had no clue about the little tiff that conspired between this person and I.

And now finally the point of this post. This friend, I tell her how we need to get together again. She needs to meet the babe. She of course says: "Yes, great idea how about if all 3 of us get together tomorrow?" And by all 3 of us I mean, Me, the friend who nolonger wants to be my friend and this girl. How would you respond? Would you just say that you are busy that night? It's obviously she has no clue of this break up so do you tell her?

Square Peg

I don't post to bring comments or to stir controversy. Granted I might be considered an instigator, for the most part I write just to write. I put my thoughts down without a care of who reads it or how most of you will take it. Now, I don't say that to be mean. You know I love all of my faithful readers but if I was to write according to everyone's preference, I wouldn't be able to write at all. Each of you comes from different walks of life and have polar opposite beliefs. And that's just referring to the people I know who read here. So, if you are an easily offended type, or someone who's looking to vent on the first person who writes something you disagree with, you should move right along, please.

Before Camille was born everyone, I mean everyone, would ask me if I was going to homeschool. Why? Why this particular question? My sister homeschools her three so I guess everyone assumes it's contagious so I would just without a thought follow suit. If you know me, you'd know I don't follow suit. I make my own. I would laugh at this question and promptly give my no way in hell response. I was certain, and I would say this, that I would be ready to kick my child out of the house as early as 3 so thank God for preschool. I also wanted my child to be normal. To be cookie cutter. Something I never was. I was a social outcast and have been for my entire life and I've adjusted to that. Even as an adult I obviously still have friends ditch me because I don't fit into their pretty little perception of what I should be. I don't want Camille to be a social outcast. I want her to be as boring as a brown paper bag. I've always been a square peg not fitting into anyone's stereotype. Christians say I'm to liberal, Liberals say I'm to conservative. Passive women say I'm to aggressive, Aggressive women say I'm to passive. Can't win to loose. So I've been committed to have circle pegs that fit perfectly.

But then I became a Mom. Then I met my daughter and started to parent her. And now I realize, whether I like it or not, my views on how I raise my daughter, well, let's just say she'll be a square peg like me. I stay home with my daughter which makes me different than a handful of my friends. I now can honestly say I love being home with her and don't find this a daunting task. I also invest a lot of time molding this little child into the type of person I think will help her succeed in this society. I have certain expectations that I hope I will live up to. I won't go into them here, not now, but those expectations will make my daughter stand out a little in our society. See, I don't want to dumb her down. I want to challenge her. I want her to be a thinker. I don't want her to be labeled and then expected to perform accordingly. So, now, when I think about her life and where I want to see her 5 years from now? I don't want to see her anywhere else but here, with me, molding her. I don't want her socially engineered by strangers. Actually I don't want her socially engineered at all, I want her educated. What I'm saying is, and really, I shutter at the thought that I'm admitting this to the world or the internet population:

We are considering homeschooling her.

There, it's out.

I've been outed.

Before you jump the gun and leave a rude comment let me give you this disclaimer: If you send your child or will send your child to public school or private school or school of fish, I'm in noway judging you. There is no right answer. One size does not fit all. I'm simply saying that the way I will parent Camille, she might fit best in the model of homeschooling and my ONLY point is that this shocks the hell out of me that I am feeling this way.

Now everyone calm down and take a deep breath and make yourself a strong Martini.

Peferably a Chocoalte Martini.

Wonderful Day

Do you know what I love more than a Chocolate Martini?

Do you know what brings me more bliss than a successful day of clothes shopping where all my stores are having incredible sales?

A sinus infection.

And you know what would make a sinus infection even more enjoyable? Maybe having a sinus infection while attempting to parent a cranky 5 month old who was waken from her slumber 1 1/2 hour earlier than her normal wake up time to bring her Grandmama to the airport. Now that would just make for a wonderful day.

Can you feel the bliss oozing from the screen?

It could quite possibly just be sinuses.

Sorry.

Excuses

Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness.

Today is Saturday which means it's been exactly a week since I posted.

We've been busy here. Very very busy. Like in 8 people stuffed into a 2 bedroom apartment busy. And when you have that many people and that much activity it's a little difficult to even find the computer to post let alone stay awake long enough to post.

But you my good and faithful readers are very forgiving. And let me put the emphasis on faithful. You're so good that I have given you a pretty new background to look at.

You likey?

Thank my cousin for have the patience to deal with my "I don't care what it looks like, well maybe I actually do, can you make the 8th change for me"mindset.

I'll be back to our regularly schedule updates Monday morning when the last of the visitors abandon me.

Promise.